It’s close to 1 a.m. on this Friday night and the roommate has decided to invite several of his best “friends” to proceed to drink, play loud music that won’t allow me to sleep and do some other stupid things that college students do.
Honestly, its annoying at times, but it happens only once a week so I can deal with it. I’m not his dad and he can live his own life and the place is just as much his as mine and for the price that we pay for rent and the roomie is a good guy overall, it’s the only place I can really afford for the next two years, so you have to deal with the good and the bad. Furthermore, its prompted me to write another post.
But seeing him partying it up like an undergraduate should I guess reminds me of those times when I was a young student. Back in the glory days of college, I drank almost every cheap beer possible, found a liquor friend in JD, played loud music (Limp Bizkit and 3-6 Mafia anyone?), did some stuff that the mom wouldn’t be proud of and generally lived life. I see my roommate now enjoying his time and I wish I could do the same but my head isn’t there as a 26-year-old graduate student, which I’m happy about.
It’s the same feeling I get working at Belmont baseball games. I see our players and most of them have a general innocence that makes me wish I could be like that. I see their girlfriends in the stands cheering them on and see other generally happy people and wonder why I don’t feel the same way.
It just goes back to my general grumpiness I guess. Maybe its being a Gemini, but I go from happy to sad pretty quickly. That’s the dichotomy of my life.
While those times as an undergraduate were good times, I was also pretty unhappy because I was drinking, partying and doing other stupid stuff that wasn’t me. I was just doing those things to keep up with the crowd that I was running with. It wasn’t until I became an RA my junior year, starting acting like my true self and became grounded that I found some balance and happiness in my college life.
It’s the same deal now. While I work the baseball games and sometimes look miserable, feel sad that I’m not out there just sitting there watching the game like my friends and colleagues at Belmont are, generally feel that there are a lot of other places that I would rather be, wish there were some SID groupies/cleet chasers like the baseball players have interested in me (just kidding, not really kidding, no, I’m joking, maybe) I still like the job because its what I’ve always wanted to do, work in sports. I couldn’t imagine just sitting at a game, I need to be involved in the process and control a part of it.
Its kinda like seeing kids dance to that damn Soulja Boy song and I want to tell them what those dirty lyrics really mean and ruin their childhoods, but I don’t.
I sometimes want to tell my roommate and others that the responsibility and glory-free days as an undergrad will end soon and they will have their own bills to pay and probably end up unemployed and have to take jobs they don’t want and never find true love and feel pretty depressed with their life and realize that its full of sadness and random happy moments.
But I don’t.
I’ll let them experience it for themselves.
Will I ever find that happy moment of clarity where I say that I love where I’m at? That will be a no because none of us will ever find true happiness in our lives, we will all die most likely alone, I know I will, and we shouldn’t disillusion ourselves from this reality.
However, I’m in a better place in my life now then a few years ago because I’ve found some form of balance between that innocent 18-year-old who thought that the world was in his hands and his future was bright and the current 26-year-old that knows that he won’t accomplish everything that he wants but is aware of his positives and likes where he’s at. That’s acceptable for now.
I would never like to return to the 18-year-old me and don’t even get me started as a 16-year-old.
But I’m looking more forward to me as a 30-year-old and even a 40-year-old. Everyone wants to stay young, but I’ve never liked being young.
Sometimes finding that balance between our positive dreams and the more likely negatives and more likely realities makes us sane or makes me write posts like this. Either way, I’m happy knowing where my head is at and for that, I’m thankful.
Honestly, its annoying at times, but it happens only once a week so I can deal with it. I’m not his dad and he can live his own life and the place is just as much his as mine and for the price that we pay for rent and the roomie is a good guy overall, it’s the only place I can really afford for the next two years, so you have to deal with the good and the bad. Furthermore, its prompted me to write another post.
But seeing him partying it up like an undergraduate should I guess reminds me of those times when I was a young student. Back in the glory days of college, I drank almost every cheap beer possible, found a liquor friend in JD, played loud music (Limp Bizkit and 3-6 Mafia anyone?), did some stuff that the mom wouldn’t be proud of and generally lived life. I see my roommate now enjoying his time and I wish I could do the same but my head isn’t there as a 26-year-old graduate student, which I’m happy about.
It’s the same feeling I get working at Belmont baseball games. I see our players and most of them have a general innocence that makes me wish I could be like that. I see their girlfriends in the stands cheering them on and see other generally happy people and wonder why I don’t feel the same way.
It just goes back to my general grumpiness I guess. Maybe its being a Gemini, but I go from happy to sad pretty quickly. That’s the dichotomy of my life.
While those times as an undergraduate were good times, I was also pretty unhappy because I was drinking, partying and doing other stupid stuff that wasn’t me. I was just doing those things to keep up with the crowd that I was running with. It wasn’t until I became an RA my junior year, starting acting like my true self and became grounded that I found some balance and happiness in my college life.
It’s the same deal now. While I work the baseball games and sometimes look miserable, feel sad that I’m not out there just sitting there watching the game like my friends and colleagues at Belmont are, generally feel that there are a lot of other places that I would rather be, wish there were some SID groupies/cleet chasers like the baseball players have interested in me (just kidding, not really kidding, no, I’m joking, maybe) I still like the job because its what I’ve always wanted to do, work in sports. I couldn’t imagine just sitting at a game, I need to be involved in the process and control a part of it.
Its kinda like seeing kids dance to that damn Soulja Boy song and I want to tell them what those dirty lyrics really mean and ruin their childhoods, but I don’t.
I sometimes want to tell my roommate and others that the responsibility and glory-free days as an undergrad will end soon and they will have their own bills to pay and probably end up unemployed and have to take jobs they don’t want and never find true love and feel pretty depressed with their life and realize that its full of sadness and random happy moments.
But I don’t.
I’ll let them experience it for themselves.
Will I ever find that happy moment of clarity where I say that I love where I’m at? That will be a no because none of us will ever find true happiness in our lives, we will all die most likely alone, I know I will, and we shouldn’t disillusion ourselves from this reality.
However, I’m in a better place in my life now then a few years ago because I’ve found some form of balance between that innocent 18-year-old who thought that the world was in his hands and his future was bright and the current 26-year-old that knows that he won’t accomplish everything that he wants but is aware of his positives and likes where he’s at. That’s acceptable for now.
I would never like to return to the 18-year-old me and don’t even get me started as a 16-year-old.
But I’m looking more forward to me as a 30-year-old and even a 40-year-old. Everyone wants to stay young, but I’ve never liked being young.
Sometimes finding that balance between our positive dreams and the more likely negatives and more likely realities makes us sane or makes me write posts like this. Either way, I’m happy knowing where my head is at and for that, I’m thankful.
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