Well, I woke up this morning and was alive, and if anything else, that makes it a good day.
The response to my last post has been interesting to say the least. I don’t regret writing it at all, in fact, I’m happy that I did because that’s how I was feeling at that time and I always keep it honest in this blog. I walked to work with a smile on my face and I never do that.
Last night, I was emotionally going to a place that I don’t like going because it is painful and sad. However, it does exist so I have to accept it. I can either ignore my feelings and just live my live pushing those emotions away and lie to myself or confront them and hopefully find strength through it all.
Does the post possibly ruin any potential prospects in my dating life? I mean, if I read that post from somebody else, I would be concerned and want no part of that person. However, my response to that is it’s not like I’m tearing up the Nashville dating scene right now anyway. It is what it is but I have to do me (that sounds like a terrible rap lyric).
I’ve always had something to focus on in my life to distract me away from this stuff. I’ve always focused on my jobs, schooling, family, spirituality, my health and other things, and those are good things to focus on. I’m proud to believe that I’m a good employee, a good student and a good member of my family. I can always improve on being a better Christian. However, when I’m not working, in class, in the gym or with friends and family, that’s when I get feelings like I did late last night.
It’s the alone time in our lives that make us honest with ourselves. I don’t know how people in solitude can do it. Actually I can. I’ve always been a loner until recently.
The fact that I have people over to my house for legendary and epic pancakes and go to Tabouli’s on Wednesday nights are so out of character for me. Going out to Tin Roof and other bars, attending music concerts, I wouldn’t have done that a year ago, let alone five or ten years. Even my mother is surprised that I do this stuff and she knows me well. I’ve made an intentional effort to be more outgoing here at Belmont, but when you have rejections come across again and again, it reminds you why you were a loner all of these past few years. You remember why you always stayed in for the fear of being hurt repeatedly.
So the post was just a culmination of all of this stuff.
Do I see myself going through the rest of my life alone and not doing a lot of the stuff that I mentioned in the last post? Yes, I do. But I can also see myself meeting that cliché special someone and being happy. I don’t know what to expect and that’s exciting in its own way.
In the end, I’ll keep it moving as they say and try not to stress over it. If I don’t ever get that date or have that girlfriend, it’s ok. I have my health and everything else is extra I guess.
I’ll focus my attention on how hard I’ll spank my kids, continue to grow my mistrust in dolphins and penguins, wonder how I could pick Phoenix over San Antonio, wash some more clothes, wonder why I picked Toronto to be the wild-card team out of the AL and the Reds to finish second in the NL Central, what type of music Jesus would listen to and other topics of interest for all.
Until then, I’ll just keep living the dream.
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