I'm Tired of Being Lonely

It took me watching Good Will Hunting on a bus with my baseball team coming back from Martin, Tenn. on a dark night to realize something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time.

That darn movie having the main character finding his true love and going for her made me think. And just sitting on that bus going back to Nashville to my home alone again for another night just culminated my emotions and made me think…

I’m tired of being lonely.

First, lets get the disclaimers out. I’m fortunate to be alive and functioning at a good level. I could be disabled, have cancer, be dying and have a whole bunch of other things going wrong with my life. I have a family and a support system that I’m grateful God has blessed me with. I have a good set of friends and associates that I enjoy spending time with.

All that being said, I’m still lonely on the relationship front.

I’ve never had a girlfriend. That’s number one. Some of you are saying, hey, I remember when you were talking with that girl that one time. Nothing went down.

I’ve never been on a date. That’s even sadder than the no girlfriend thing. I go out once in a while to parties with people to bars or house event, but the whole hey, lets have dinner and a movie, yeah, never done that. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I’ve even had a cup of coffee with a girl.

Those makeout sessions that some of you probably still have in your life or had back in the day in high school or college, once again, I’ve never had one of those.

So, if I haven’t done those things, you can probably figure out the rest of the stuff that I’ve never done. And you all know how old I am. Not a good situation. Movies have been made about it if you know what I’m saying.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ve asked girls out and they’ve told me straight up no. I’ve been given excuses from I’m too busy or I just broke up with my boyfriend and everything in between.

I’ve tried the full court press on girls. I’ve tried to be mean to them to see if they like dating a jerk. I’ve done the “don’t look for it, it will come to you” method. I’ve been the super nice guy. None of that shit has worked (first curse in the blog, nice).

I’ve tried to date black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Indian and other ethnic women, no success. I’ve tried to hook up with older, younger, shorter, taller, thick, thin, petite women and nothing has happened.

Every time I’ve been interested in a girl, something has happened to not make it happen. And every time I vibe with a girl, she’s usually dating somebody else, so that doesn’t work.

I’ve tried to figure out why and how this has happened. Someone who is usually at this stage of their life would have experienced these things. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship or physical relations, but come on, I’m old enough for that. Maybe its just bad luck, but I can’t be that unlucky.

And its not like I’m a bad guy. I’m not ugly, I know that much. I’m not the most attractive man around, but I have some good qualities. I’m friendly, funny, a good listener, care about the welfare of others and realize my place in life. I’m not going to say that I’m perfect also. I can be moody at times and overbearing in moments. I do sometimes lack personal confidence, but I’m just really humble and hate to brag on how good I’m at in a lot of stuff. Maybe women want a confident man but I’m secure in myself and that may be looked at as a bad thing.

Its just sad getting rejected all the time, it just depresses you. I would like to be in a relationship and even if it doesn’t work, at least I’ve felt love.

And the two saddest things are that I’ve never been in love and that means I can’t share anything with anybody. I just go home alone and sleep with no one to talk to. No one to share this journey of my life with.

The second worst thing is that I’ve been completely myself the past few years and nothing has changed. People tell me to be myself, but I’m already doing that. Its painful when you are being rejected for being yourself.

Whenever I make posts here I have a solution or some antidote to leave you with, but I’ve got nothing for this one.

I’ll just continue to focus on my career and schooling, but that burns me out over time if there is no balance with the personal life.

I hope some of you can look at what I write and find reflection or inspiration or something to think about. I hope this has been informational for you, because this is therapeutic for me.

I don’t mind being honest here because it makes me think about what’s going on in my life. The best part of this blog has been the chance to get my emotions out, whether they’re happy or sad or whatever.

Thanks for reading this stuff and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be in a better place.