Saturday Reflections

Yesterday was one of the longest and toughest work days and it almost broke me into quitting my job.

The past few days have just been so tiring for me between classes, studying, working night games, having no time to work out, lack of sleep, going through a rough personal emotional period and some other stuff.

Everything culminated yesterday. I had to work an outdoor sporting event and it rained the entire time. I actually thought it wasn’t a big deal and stayed positive throughout the entire event, even thought I was getting soaked. I try to not let negatives enter my life, but in this case, I just suppressed them.

I’ve always said that being a sports information director is the loneliest job in athletics and last night proved it. After the event finishes, all the teams leave and go home. The only people left are myself, the statisticians and the trainers. The trainers and SID’s are like kindred spirits. Each of us understands what our jobs demand of us and how sports can dominate our time.

While its damn near pitch dark at the park and still raining, I get my information from the stats guys and get into my car to head to the office. I try to drive my car in the wet grass and mud, but it starts to struggle and I think that I’m going to be stuck out here alone. Thankfully, I’m able to find pavement and exit. However, I’m not familiar with the area and there are hardly any lights and I get lost.

Its still pouring rain, I’m on dark roads, my defrost on my car isn’t working so I can barley see out the windows and I’m speeding down the road because I have to post this information on our website because that’s how people are going to know the results of the event. I know that there’s an SID sitting in some office waiting for my information so that he or she can go home. I’ve been that guy many times.

I’m speeding down the roads, how I didn’t get into an accident, I don’t know. Only by the grace of God did I make it back to the office safely. I was irresponsible with my driving in those conditions, but I was thinking about my job and rushing to get it done. I didn’t want to fuck up.

It’s funny that if its something that involves me, I don’t care if I fail, but if it involves others, I worry about screwing up.

When I finally find my way and head towards the office, I think about something I told Joan a few weeks ago when she was going through a rough period in her job. I told her that the stress of your job isn’t worth it. We get paid too little and work too many hours to have sports stress you out in your personal life.

I wasn’t taking my own advice. I was letting this job grind me to unhappiness. On the drive, I thought about how I can’t be an SID anymore and how I don’t want to do this job anymore.

I finally make it to the office and there’s no one there accept a coach. Here’s an entire office of over 30 people and I’m soaking wet, feel sick and sitting in an empty athletic department on a Friday night posting statistics. This isn’t the first or last time this happens in my job.

I finally post the statistics online and head downstairs to order some food from our café. I get a burger and fries, something I know that I shouldn’t be having but I’m not in the right mental state right now.

I now had to write a recap story of the events. I always play music in the office when I’m working, so I pull up my Pandora account and turn on my Yes radio station. The song that comes up is Silently Falling by Chris Squire. I listen to this song and then look up at my office bulletin board and see a picture of my niece Jordan.

I realize that I can’t quit my job for many reasons and that I must persevere through this tough moment.

I write my story, head home, shower, finally write a new post for my blog and get some rest. I even get a message on Facebook from my nephew talking a big high school football win his team got that night. They were even on CSS. If I wasn’t working, I would have been watching the game, but I couldn’t do it because of work. I wish I could see him and my other nieces and nephews play more.

I wake up this morning thinking of my family and I start crying.

I’ve been too selfish throughout the past few days and worrying about only me. But this whole thing is bigger than me.

This is about my mother sacrificing everything she has for me to be successful. I’m a black man from Brooklyn, N.Y. who has a college degree from one of the best schools in the country, is now in graduate school and is a professional. Without her, I’m not even here. She tells me to believe in God and everything will be alright. I’ve strayed from this.

I think of my two brothers who sacrificed their futures so that I can have mine. Both of them are military men who served this country so that I can have the life that I have. They have been my fathers and have been my male inspirations. They don’t want me to leave my post here because of a bad day or two.

I think of my father. We’ve had rough moments in our relationship, but he has always loved me. Both of us have had wrong actions in our past and will in our future, however, without him, I’m not here. You have only one mother and father. He wouldn’t want me to quit this position.

I think of my grandmothers and grandfathers, those still with us and those who have died. I still have two with me. I think of my grandmother who came over here to America from Martinique, coming to this country with a dream of having a better life for her and her son, my father. If she doesn’t do that…tough to think about.

I buried two of them this summer and those two women dealt with segregation, sexism and every other obstacle possible for Black women in the deep south over the past 80 years and developed strong families that I’m a product of. They would laugh at my dramas today and tell me to stop complaining.

I think of all of the struggles that Black people have been through in this country and continue to go through. I usually don’t think about race and just live my life, but I do sometimes reflect on where my people have come from and where people like me are taking it.

Most importantly, I think of my nieces and nephews. I remember the first time that I saw Alex, the nephew that had the good football game. He was no more than six or seven months old and I was around 13 years old. My brother had picked me up from the airport and Alex was sitting on one of those automatic swinging chairs and had long legs. I picked him up and didn’t want to let him go. I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a positive inspiration for him.

This shit is about a lot more than me just writing some sports stories. I HAVE to do well here at my job and in school and in life. I’ve been groomed to be successful in this life for all of the reasons mentioned above. I used to run away from this pressure but I have to embrace it.

Do I want to be rich and famous for my efforts? No. It’s not about the money or fame, if that drives you in life it’s going to be an unfulfilling life. I don’t expect to receive recognition for my efforts in my job. That’s why when someone tells me something positive, it does surprise me. That’s not me just pulling a humble act, that’s just the way I was raised.

My mother taught me to be humble and to be honest in my life. It’s taken me 27 years to master this and I probably never will. She has always raised me to find internal happiness with my path and lead a good life.

That’s what I’m doing now. I have a place to stay, a job to go to and people to love and to love me. That’s all I need.

OK, that’s all. I have to get ready to work a volleyball tournament this morning and some men’s soccer later tonight.

Will I lead this busy sports lifestyle in five years? I don’t know where I’ll be in May. I can’t control where my life takes me, I just have to be prepared when it takes me.

But I do know that I have an obligation here and a task to finish. I plan to do that and you should do that in your life as well.

For now, here’s Silently Falling below for your listening and reflection.