I tried to do some homework tonight after watching 90210, yeah, I watch the show, wanna fight about it, Chuck and Two and A Half Men on repeat online but just didn’t have the feeling to do it.
Today has been one of those odd days where you just try to make it through the sadness, even though you don’t know why you feel that way.
Well, to be fair, I may have a source for the emotions. Yesterday in one of my classes, we participated in an exercise where three people were chosen as captains and selected teams to participate in some games. I was chosen last and it brought back some bad memories for me. I was always chosen last for games because I was fat, slow and just plain wasn’t good at them.
We did the exercises and we were asked to discuss the feelings we had during the class. I wasn’t on the verge of tears or anything like that. I was actually OK during class, but when I got home, I felt down. Not because of the actual class but it made me think of those unhappy days as a child.
Many of you know me as a social guy who interacts with everybody and engages in conversations, but that wasn’t always the case. I spent years alone in my room in solitude because I didn’t have any friends who wanted to play with me. The reason that I ended up becoming focused on academics and got great grades in school was because I wasn’t playing sports and reading books and doing homework instead. I did this because I knew that I would never receive acceptance on the field but maybe I could receive it in the classroom.
I’ve carried this feeling of isolation within me my whole life and it won’t ever go away. I know that and have accepted it. The problem with this feeling is that it can come up and sneak up on you at any moment. If you see me really quiet for a long period of time just sitting in one place, I’m reflecting on things and trying to reaffirm to myself that my life is good and worth living. I’ve had times when I’m at work or just sitting in my room and feel suddenly sad and need to step out, get some fresh air and compose myself. There have been times when I’ve just started crying uncontrollably for no reason only to get it back together in ten minutes and continue my day like nothing happened.
This shouldn’t scare any of you out there because this has been going on for years and I know that’s just part of my personality.
So, after experiencing last night’s class, I came into work today really focused and had a very productive day. That’s another part of the personality, I can switch from feeling sad to determined in a moment. Things were going well until two things happened.
I saw some pictures from the party that I attended on Friday and mentioned on the blog. I looked huge! I know that I’m a big guy, but I tower over some people in the photos. I don’t feel like I’m so much bigger then other people when I’m talking to them but I see pictures at times and get mad that I look like that.
Second, I went to the gym to work out. I feel healthier now than I’ve felt in years. I eat well, I can do better, but I’m much more conscious of what I put into my body now. I want to live a long time, have some kids, have a hot ass wife, go through a divorce, gain vengeance on all of those that have wronged me, see the Mets win the World Series, record an album with me playing bass on it, write a novel, see Arsenal win a Champions League and see Vandy win a national championship in something besides bowling all before I die. Many of those things will probably not happen especially if you seen the Mets play in the last few weeks, but I want to live as long as possible to maybe see these things happen.
I was doing some shoulder presses and got a look at my gut and was unhappy with it. I had the pictures from the party still in my mind and ended the workout right there.
After that, I headed back to the office to take care of some business as usual. Then, the People’s Champion brought his new little son to the office for all of us to meet him. Cute baby, really sweet, of course I didn’t do the baby talk because you know that’s how I roll. I saw how happy he was introducing his son to all of us, how happy he was of being a father. I was so happy for his entire family.
But then it hit me. Shit, I’m never going to have that type of happiness in my life.
I’m grinding so hard in my life right now between taking classes three nights a week, working on projects every day at work, school is kicking my ass and for what? I’m tired most of the time and try to put a sunny position on it, but I can go this entire life working towards my goals and not come close to them and not find personal happiness.
When I mentioned the whole pathetic saga with Maria on the blog last week and how I was done trying to have relationships with women, I meant it and its been liberating. It’s helped me really focus on going to work, going to class and doing homework and that’s it. I’ve even grown a potentially epic beard for this transition.
My fear is that no matter what I do, I’m always going to be that last kid to play the schoolyard game and that’s going to translate into every aspect of my life. I’m not going to get that job because they don’t want someone that looks like me physically in that position even though I’m qualified for the job. That’s probably reason #1 I’m in grad school right now.
I fear that I’m always going to be the last kid picked in the game of love. I’m 27 and not met one person who has wanted to have a relationship with me. I say that if it never happens, I’m OK with it. I still believe that because if something is meant to happen, it will happen and I have no control over it but it would be depressing to go through a whole life like that.
My biggest fear is reverting to that little kid in Brooklyn who wondered why no one wanted to play with him. I know that I’ll finish typing this, take some deep breaths, probably watch some TV, listen to some music and feel better in the morning. I always bounce back from these bouts of sadness the next day. Until then, its going to be a rough night. Bring on the Tool songs! Maynard’s ballads always make me feel better. Here’s one below.
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