Dating advice from my 11-year-old nephew

Hey everyone. I’m back from a tough personal week away from Nashville and ready to give you some excellent content here on the blog.

While I was in Atlanta and South Carolina, I was able to catch up with my two nieces and nephews, which was great. I take my role as an uncle seriously as in discussing sex and playing video games with them.

One of my nieces, Jordan, is still a Tennessee women’s basketball fan, which I’ve accepted over time. I detailed it here a few months ago: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/why.html

She still talks about Pat Summit and Candice Parker in glowing terms, which is OK. She loves basketball and you could do a lot worse than Tennessee. I actually don’t mind the school in as much as the fans.

Another thing I’ve learned, she can make me do anything she wants. When she first started talking about going to Tennessee, I told her that I would never attend any of her games because of my Vanderbilt loyalty. She got mad and then I told her that I would go to the game, would not cheer for the team, not wear the school colors and give the soft golf clap if she scored a basket. Now, Jordan tells me that I have to wear the UT colors and cheer for the team because of her.

Of course, I’ve caved and will now probably be in the first row cheering her on in a hunting color orange shirt. I can’t say no to her. She just looks at me with that face and I just melt. That’s my little woman and I just don’t want to see her unhappy.

I also caught up with my nephews, Alex and Matt on Sunday. Alex is in the 10th grade now and starting to hang out with girls. Of course, you know I had to give him the talk to remind him to protect himself and he knows what I mean by that.

However, 11-year-old Matt decided to chime in on my talk.

I talked to Jordan Wednesday about one of the girls that I mention on this blog often. I’m not going to refer to her by name but you know who she is. I guess she told Matt about her and my nephew had some advice on how to deal with her and other women.

First, he asked me what race this girl was. I told him and he told me to avoid all girls of that race. Yeah, it’s odd that he has a commentary on an entire race of women, but whatever.

He then told me to ignore her and not even talk to her. I said that I was probably going to call her, text her or send her an e-mail because I haven’t heard from her in a while. Matt then told me that I need to leave her alone and make her contact me.

I then asked Matt about where I may find a woman and how I should approach them.

I suggested the supermarket. Matt didn’t approve of that because the women in the supermarket usually have children and are unavailable. Let me remind you that this kid is 11. He told me that I should go to the mall because there are different types of women there to approach.

Finally, and this was the highlight of the entire conversation. HE suggested that I go to the bookstore because he knows that I’m a smart guy and if I go to a bookstore on a Saturday, I will find a smart girl because smart girls read on Saturdays. I need to co-write a book with this kid.

At this point, I’m amazed at this analysis and want to know more. Matt then tells me that I need to specialize in three categories so that when I approach her, I can at least have some knowledge of the subject. He told me to specialize in these three:

Poetry, Art and Cooking.

With the poetry, I should learn some Shakespeare so that I can talk to her about it. With the art, I can show her that I like pictures and appreciate that stuff. Finally, the cooking will show her that I can make a meal and girls like that.

I suggested sports, but he told me no because I already know that stuff and girls aren’t usually in the sports books section.

He told me that I should mention that I play an instrument because girls like that stuff.

To conclude my lesson, Matt told me that I should learn how to play a sport so that I can do a physical activity with her. He then made me throw a football to see my skills which he decided were not good, so football was out. Matt then asked me about basketball, baseball, things like that. I stink in all of those sports. I mentioned racquetball, which I’m OK at, but he didn’t like that.

Alex then chimed in and mentioned rugby, which if I played for more then 15 minutes, it would be the end of your boy.

The problem is that if I say I’m good at a sport and she finds a pick-up game for me to play in or worse she wants to play with me and I suck that kills that gig.

I suggested that I make up a story that I was a good football player in high school since I’m big, but I got a major injury and can’t play anymore. Alex rejected that because she would then ask a lot of questions like where I got injured and stuff like that.

Both of my nephews then looked at my wardrobe and didn’t like it. I had on a beat up Nike cap, black polo shirt, khakis shorts and my low-cut Reebok sneakers that I’ve had for about five years. They told me that I need to change everything.

I need to grow my hair out, grow a mustache to match my bottom hair on my chin, lose some weight (dude, I’m like 20 pounds lighter then the last time you saw me) and get some new clothes.

They then proceeded to tell me that I needed to improve my rap with the ladies, because I’m corny.

This is true by the way. While they’re blasting Lil Wayne, I’m listening to Rush and Mars Volta. I’m an open geek and accept it.

After all of this analysis, they told me that I should be myself but that I was a work in progress. They promised to help me find a woman.

While it was sorta disturbing to hear your young nephews give YOU dating advice that mostly made sense in some way (I’m telling you, I need to do a true sitdown with Matt and write down more advice and publish it), I appreciated the honesty.

And that’s the best thing about family. They are going to be honest with you and tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

Sometimes it the least expected source to make you think about things. I think what Matt was trying to say in his own way is that I need to expand my horizons with my dating and try some different things.

I would never approach a woman at a bookstore or tell her that I was good in a sport or mention my musical skills because I’m vulnerable in those positions. Matt doesn’t think that because he’s never been rejected by a girl and is fearless through his youth. He’ll try anything.

If all of us had that fearlessness in our lives, we can achieve anything that we want to. It doesn’t just relate to dating, it relates to life.

It took Matt to make me realize that there are other fish in the sea for me to pursue besides the one or two that I mention on this blog.

Hopefully each of us can learn something from Matt because I certainly did.

For now, here’s some of that lame Rush that the kids aren’t listening to anymore. War Peart, Geddy and Lifeson!! Listen to that Brazilian crowd sing along!