When is it time to hug it out?

Today at work, I found out that one of my co-workers wasn’t going to return to us and that saddened me. She’s a good person and I hope that she’s doing well in her life.

One of my favorite things to do with her was to give her hugs and hold on to them a little too long. It made her uncomfortable because she has a boyfriend and she doesn’t like affection. I would do this to mess with her and it made me laugh.

I was talking with Mr. McMahon and the People’s Champion and now father of a future icon, Sawyer and we thought back on these hugs and laughed.

However, this has got me thinking about the levels of affection that we have with each other and when they are appropriate.

Here’s a link to ten gestures you better get right in the right country or problems for you: http://www.languagetrainers.co.uk/blog/2007/09/24/top-10-hand-gestures/

First some background. I used to be a chronic hugger when I was younger, especially in college. I would come up to girls and give them hugs. It got to the point that I was known as a hugger in the dorm. At that point, I decided to fall back and not be that affectionate because no one wants to be known as that.

Over time, I’ve learned to balance the art of hugging almost to a science.

Here are the types of hugs/greetings that you can give to someone and when it’s appropriate.

As usual, your opinions/contributions are appreciated in the comments section below:

-Here are some greetings/gestures you probably either want to avoid or never, ever do:

1) Air kiss. What is this, Europe?
2) Cheek kissing. See number 1. Actually, I take that back. If you’re in an international setting, this is sorta passable.
3) Bowing & Curtsey. Unless you’re at a formal ball, avoid this one.
4) Middle finger. Self-explanatory
5) Mooning. No one wants to see your butt.
6) Air quotes. This is just insulting. You’re not Chris Farley so don’t do it (I’m guilty of doing this one).
7) Crossed fingers. You make your own luck in life. Stop wishing like a pussy and make it happen
8) Loser. The movie Clueless came out over 10 years ago (man that makes me old). Stop using this gesture.
9) Vulcan Salute. Live long and prosper? I’ll live long enough to properly kick your ass into next week if you give this one to me, Trekker.
10) Hitler salute. Not a good look.
11) Any sports related ones. Hook em Horns, Gator Chomp, Guns Up, Sic ‘em Bears, Tomahawk Chop, etc. Even my Commodores have a lame one, try this one at home. Raise your right hand, palms facing out. Now pull in your pinkie and ring finger. What does that spell? VU. Awful. Actually, the Guns Up one is kinda cool.
12) Applause. Done way too often that it has lost meaning. We applaud anything these days, especially children. Timmy sucked singing that song, little Lisa can’t dance! Stop giving the courtesy golf clap for mediocrity.


-I’ll have some underrated greetings at the end of this post. Let’s get to the basics and work our way up.

-Handshake: This is the most general, basic, risk-free greeting you can give somebody. This is usually given as a general sign of respect and is accepted by everybody.

The two issues that usually come up with this are:

1) How long to hold the shake. You generally want to hold on to a handshake too short than too long. Anybody can deal with someone giving a quick shake but most people have issues with long shakes because they fear getting germs or don’t like being touched. Play it safe with this one.

2) How hard to shake. People always tell you to have a firm handshake and I used to do that for years, until I shook my sister-in-law’s hand one day. She works in human resources and told me that she will look negatively at someone, especially a man, who shakes her hand too hard. If you’re a guy shaking a woman’s hand, you don’t have to squeeze as hard because you can hurt her hands and you don’t want that. If you’re shaking another dude’s hand, it really doesn’t matter how hard the shake is. Just make sure that you have a decent grip.

-Dap greeting: These include the fist bump, the fist pound, knuckles, giving props and may other variations. Wikipedia gives a more thorough definition here (the whole “started by African-Americans” explanation is interesting): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fist_bump

We’ve all given this form of greeting to friends, even though I don’t see women give these to each other as often as men. This is less formal than a handshake and can be used with friends, family or associates.

I tend to find that I do this automatically with fellow Black people very often, even if I’ve never met them before and less often with people of other races. I don’t know why this is.

Obviously, you want to be careful when you bust these out. I don’t do these greetings in my work office, but that’s about it. I give pounds all day.

-Dap greeting and half hug with right arms connected: This is also a basic one. Puff Daddy is showing great execution of this gesture above. I give this one out to a lot of my guy friends and very, very rarely to my female friends. In general, you have to be careful with how much you touch women.

I’ve tried to give this move to women friends and they don’t receive it well.

Obviously, this is another greeting that you don’t want to do in your workplace often. It’s not very professional. However, if you’re kicking it with some friends, do it hard.



-Church hug: There are actually two definitions of this one.

1) The hug you see above. These are usually given in times of extreme grief or vulnerability. Funerals, therapy sessions where breakthroughs take place and moments of crying are just a few examples of when these are done. These are the hugs where you hold on extra tight and often wrap both arms around the back as a sign of support. Tears are shed and you bond closer with that other person. Sometimes these can last a minute, sometimes they can last five. I’ve been in both.

If the other person starts to pull away from you, let go softly and don’t force it, no matter how hot he or her is.

2) The half-assed hug. You know what I’m talking about. You run into that someone that you don’t completely dislike but you would rather see someone else at that time. This usually applies to the ladies. Women see that guy from across the room and he comes up and wants to use the situation as a chance to get closer to someone that they want to touch. A prime place for this to take place is in church because women aren’t going to reject a man’s attempt to hug them out of common courtesy. The ladies have two ways to combat this.

a) They do the full hug but push their lower back and butt far away from the man and have a soft hold.

b) They do the shoulder to shoulder move where the right or left shoulders are perpendicular to each other. Only one set of arms are connected in this form.

Fellas, if you get this form of hug, it’s good because she at least isn’t insulted by you. However, if you want to “get to know her better,” just keep it moving because she wants no part of that.

-General hug: We all know this one, no definition needed.

90% of the time, these are fine especially if you give these to family, friends, partners, etc.

The touchy situations are when you try to give these to people of your same sex. The ladies seem to give out their hugs more openly and have less unofficial rules.

Guys, we have intimacy issues. We tend to not want to touch another man unless it’s an extreme situation. I think that this is based on a latent fear of homosexuality, but that’s another post for another day.

Just remember to don’t hug strangers because all it takes is for one person to take it the wrong way and to attack you.




I show Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors (War Georgia Tech!) giving a hug to Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic and Rafa Nadal greeting Roger Federer after their tennis match. I show this one to explain how sports transcends hug rules.

I’ve known men who hate gay men and talk negatively about touching another man give full out hugs to another man in celebratory moments of excitement when their team wins a game or makes a good play. Kinda hypocritical, right?

Also, if you’ve competed with another athlete and they played with respect, you can give them a full hug similar to Bosh or a church hug like Nadal and Federer. Tennis players tend to go with the half hug because of the net, even though you can go with the hop over the net to give a full hug or give the full hug over the net. The analysis of this can go on for days.

-Finally, here are some underrated greetings/gestures:

1) Mouth hug. Nothing more needs to be said.
2) Thumbs up. If it was good enough for the Fonz, it’s good enough for me.
3) Namaste. Ultimate sign of respect in the yoga community and I wish I received this peace offering more often.
4) Hand kissing or kissing the ring. The ladies tend to like this move because it’s old school. Kissing the ring is also old school in the religious community and we all saw The Godfather. Everyone knows to kiss the ring of the Don.
5) Kowtow. Another form of respect that isn’t used as much in the American culture.
6) General hand symbols like hello in Hawaiian, surf’s up. OK in my book.
7) Bellamy salute. Hitler gave this one a bad name, but it used to be used during the USA pledge of allegiance. I like this gesture but understand why it isn’t used because of the Hitler. Damn him!
8) Roman salute. Similar to Bellamy
9) Devil horns. Only in the right times. Not every moment is a “rock star” moment.
10) Anasyrma. Just look it up.
11) Gang signals. Rep your hood!
12) Head bobble. Don’t do it in an Eastern Slavic culture. If in India, all is good.
13) Jazz hands. People mock this one, but I did doing the jazz hands once in a while, for a change of pace. Stop laughing at me!
14) Eskimo kiss. This is when you rub the tip of your nose against someone elses. So simple, yet so cute.
15) Puppy face. Gotten me out of a situation or two in my day.
16) And finally, raised fist. It means power and solidarity with your fellow brother or sister. Can’t go wrong there.

There are many, many more greetings and gestures to discuss, but you get the idea. Just use the right greeting for the right situation and you should be all good.

For now, I leave you with the famous track “Confusion” from the movie Blade soundtrack. Respect to New Order! Also, the inspiration for this post, Ari on Entourage.

Leave your prospective in the comments below.