Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Do I really want a baby?


When I was in South Carolina this past weekend, I spent about an hour holding a three-month old baby taking care of her. Her name was Savannah and I believe that she was one of my cousins or one of the neighbor’s kids.

I took her from her grandmother and started to hold her on my lap facing out and her back was against my right arm. I made sure to clean her mouth when she started to spit up and even fed her some formula. I was just so comfortable sitting there with her and didn’t even notice how much time had passed.

It was getting hot outside so I decided to take her in the house and sat with the family while we were watching TV. The entire family saw me doing this and started messing with me because I’m not a father but looked so relaxed handling her. My older aunts and my mother were especially getting on me.

I then told one of my aunts that Savannah had sleepy eyes and right at that moment she started yawning. This got the aunt even more on me. I placed Savannah’s head on my chest, started rocking her and she was asleep in no time while I was silent, making sure that I didn’t disrupt her sleep.

By the end of the day, everyone was telling me that I looked real comfortable with that kid and should have one of my own.

This wasn’t my first experience with babies, not by a long shot. I’ve tended to all of my nieces, nephews and even some cousins in the same capacity. However, when I was dealing with them, I was a teenager and just did it to do it. Now, I look at this experience in a different light.

When I was around 13, I told one of my brothers that I wouldn’t get married because it seemed like a life in hell. I made a deal with him that if I ever got married, he could be my best man because that day would never happen. However, I now see myself getting married one day and have now amended my best man promise to both of my brothers.

Yeah, I’m going to have best men. That’s possible right?

Anyway, since I thought I would never get married, surely I thought that I would never have children. The desire to be a father has never been strong for me because of the pressure. I’ve always wanted to focus on my career and become good at that before even thinking of starting a family.

However, I’m in a good, but not great place in my career. I still have a lot that I want to accomplish but I’m going in the right direction with graduate school and gaining experience.

But for me to have a child, I really have to consider my career in sports and definitely change my current job. I like being a sports information director, but I’m away from home too much and make too little to raise my child with my wife.

I know that I’ll have to travel a lot no matter what job I have in the sports industry, but there are better positions for me to have that will pay me more and make me available more.

My father wasn’t there for me a lot of my life and I don’t want to do the same to my child. All has been forgiven with my father, but I went through some emotional pain as a kid and don’t want to do that to anyone.

My hesitance to be a father is also probably based on me not meeting anyone who would be a good mother to compliment me as a father. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not perfect. I have flaws and my wife will have flaws as well. The key is to find someone that you can balance your faults with to produce a mostly good union to raise that child in.

I can have a kid tomorrow if I wanted to. We all know the process because we took health class, went to the zoo or watched the Discovery channel.

All of these things considered, I think about the time I spent with Savannah, my open relationships with my nieces and nephews and my inspiration, my mother and I lean towards having a child.

My mother is an element in all of this as well. She loves her grandchildren and has four. She’ll never tell this to me because she doesn’t want me to rush anything but I know that she wants another grandchild. My two older brothers have contributed to the party and now it’s time for the baby child to bring a baby of his own.

Having a child is also scary. What if he has physical or mental disabilities? I don’t want to bring a life into the world and have it go through pain.

What if he ends up being a bad kid and causing the world harm?

Babies are cute but they turn into teenagers and adults. It’s a lifetime commitment dealing with your child. Do I want to deal with that?

While writing all of this and thinking some more, I do want a child, just not for a while. I really can’t afford it right now and I haven’t had much luck in the relationship department.

But since my mini-epiphany about liking myself and living my own happy life without comparing myself to others, I’ve come to accept my paternal fate. If I have a child or ten in my lifetime, I’m cool with it. If I have none, that’s fine too.

I think that I would be a good father. I like children, don’t mind spending time with them, love video games, believe in education, love God, and dig children TV shows (accept Teletubbies and Hannah Montana. I have my reasons and I’m sticking to them. The Suite Life of Zach and Cody is tight, respect to that show. OK, back on topic.)

Spending that time with Savannah made me reflect on these things and I’m still unsure. I would love to have a message to send to each of you, Mr. Rogers' style but I don’t. Until then, if you have doubts like I do, it’s normal. Just protect yourself. Between condoms for men and women, birth control pills and a whole bunch of other things, if you don’t want to have a baby and have a good time you can still be careful.

On a lighter note, here’s how Family Guy handles sex education. Enjoy.



Family Guy - Sex Education
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