Sunday Reflections

It’s funny that I had a clip from Chasing Amy, one of my favorite movies ever, on this blog this past week.

Long story short, it’s a movie about a guy who meets a girl who’s a lesbian, he puts it out there that he loves her, they decide to date each other, he finds out about her very active sexual past, they break up, etc. I’ll have a clip below from the movie explaining the title.

Looking back on this, I’m wondering what I’m chasing in my life.

I was on my Facebook account Saturday morning and I came across pictures of an old college female friend and her vacation pictures with her boyfriend. I used to like this girl when we were in school and we have kept in touch over the years. I don’t have any romantic feelings for her now. So, I see the pictures and the first thought is jealousy. I’m jealous that she has found someone in her life and looks happy on her vacation.

I became reflective and thought to myself that I’ve never found a woman in my life to have a relationship with and became depressed. I began to blame myself and came to the belief that I’m not good looking, don’t have a good personality and no woman would ever want to spend time with me.

And also, while I see a lot of people meeting special people in their lives, getting married or developing potentially life-long relationships with their boyfriend or girlfriend, I’m watching Kevin Smith clips on the internet and playing video games till 2 a.m. alone.

All of these emotions hit me at one moment and that sucked to be honest with you.

My next step was looking directly into the mirror and looking right at myself. From this, I learned two life lessons, one of which I’ve mentioned on this blog numerous times.

The first one was that for me to love someone else, I must first learn to love myself. I looked in the mirror and was happy with the person that I was seeing. I’m in a good mental and physical place in my life right now. My life isn’t perfect but I’m very blessed. I’ve made strides physically and I’m a good person. I like my personality and have truly been acting like myself the past year or so. I’ve always had two major kinks in my personality. First, I try to please everybody because I fear rejection and I’m passive-aggressive. I’m trying to be honest with people and not worry if they like me or not. I’m happy with my progress on these things. If I haven’t met a woman who can accept me for who I am, that’s not my fault or women’s fault in general. That’s just the way that life has worked out for me.

The second thing that I realized when looking in the mirror was why I was comparing my life to someone else’s. I’ve stated here numerous times that one of the main rules that I live by is to not compare my life with another. I realized that my college friend is living her life the way she is and I shouldn’t be ashamed of mine.

I then went to the gym and got a good cardio workout in thinking about all of these things. What I realized also is that I’ve been selfish in my prospective of life.

I try to be liberal and accept everyone for who they are yet struggle with accepting me, if that makes sense. I become not happy with myself and therefore envy others who seem happy.

While I was working out, I saw Amber. Once again, for those of you unfamiliar with Amber, here are some posts she’s been mentioned in: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/06/update-on-workout-girl-if-you-see-this.html and http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-is-what-i-get-for-trying-to.html

During my entire interaction with her the past few months, I’ve never truly felt happy that she was dating someone back in her hometown and not me. Sure, I’ve told her that I was happy for her but haven’t completely meant it. Why did I feel this way?

I’m on the elliptical machine thinking of this and why was I reflecting my emotions towards hoping for non-happiness of others.

I then had a moment of clarity. Amber is a friend who has become dear to me. So what if she’s not interested in me as a boyfriend? She’s happy with her boyfriend and I’m happy that she’s happy.

We then talk with each other and I looked right into her eyes and asked her about her boyfriend. I found out about his international travel, musical interests and other things. For the first time in my life hearing someone else talking about their partner, I wasn’t jealous. I started talking about the girl I mentioned on my Sunday reflections last week: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/07/sunday-reflections-sunday-reflections.html

I then told Amber about my morning and talked to her about never having a serious girlfriend at 27, playing video games, etc. She then did something that I’ll never forget.

She looked right at me and told me that it’s OK.

Many people tell me that my lifestyle is ok, but I usually ignore it on the premise that they are telling me this to not be mean. However, Amber honestly told me that I’m just living my life and it’s all good. I was also cool with my lifestyle and I thought it was all good.

My all goods were all coming in sync and I felt fortunate to have Amber in my life.

We continued our conversation and was happy with myself and more importantly, the happiness of others. All of the jealously and envy that I had for other people’s dating lives went away and I felt clearer and so free.

I finally stopped chasing the lives of others and focused on staying home and working on my own. I finally loved myself.

If you’re familiar with this blog, you know that I have moments of happiness and sadness, sometimes both at the same time. In a few days, I can become sad again.

However, the feeling that I have right now isn’t happiness or sadness. It's acceptance.

Yeah, I’m 27, live in a small apartment, take pride in my video game skills, am little on the pudgy side, love my General Hospital, like my Kevin Smith movies and other things as well. I am who I am and now love who I am.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life, if I’m single my entire life and never meet someone special, I’m OK with it.

Wow, that was some deep stuff. Sorry for taking you down that path, but that’s what Sunday Reflections makes me do.

I’ll have some good stuff this week for you as usual on sports, movies, TV and life in general.

For now, I leave you with two clips from Chasing Amy. The first one is the actual speech from Silent Bob explaining the title and my post tonight. The second one is what you can tell a potential girlfriend one day. The clip doesn’t show it but she ends up kissing him in the end.

Have a good week everybody!