Sunday Reflections

Another Sunday, another time to reflect…

-Some amendments on my final thoughts on the Olympics.

1) I stayed up to watch the gold-medal game between the USA and Spain in men’s basketball. Props to the US for getting the win and bringing the gold home. Kobe, that was a man performance. He’s the best player on the planet and there’s no doubt about it.

Spain is legit and could have won that game. Missing Calderon was a major deal for them. However, the point guard Rubio is going to be a major player in the future, especially considering that he’s only 17. Furthermore, Rudy Fernandez is going to ball hard for Portland. One more thing, how is Navarro not on an NBA roster? He’s a solid guard.

I’m calling it right now, the top four for MVP this season will include Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul and Dwayne Wade, in some order. Wade is going to have a monster, monster season for the Heat this year.

International basketball is back in the mainstream and that’s a good thing. I’m going to post on this more this week.

2) Congrats to the USA men’s volleyball team for their thrilling win over Brazil for the gold medal. Tremendous match and effort throughout the games considering the tragedy that took place with the family of the head coach.

3) My brother and I are making serious plans to go to the London Olympics in 2012. any one of you is down with the plan, just shoot me a holler. I’m looking at you Mr. McMahon, People’s Champion and icon of the masses, Sean Sawyer, Sager and Meggie. Let’s make it happen.

Just remember that we’re going to have to attend handball, table tennis, tons of judo, avoid diving and gymnastics and probably check out rhythmic gymnastics and women’s volleyball for my “research.”

-This weekend was solid overall. Saw some soccer action, washed the clothes and got some relaxing in.

-The undergraduates have returned to Belmont and I’m hyped. I love school and am looking so forward to going back to classes myself. I’ve missed learning, seeing my friends consistently and many other things. I’ll have a post on this topic tomorrow after orientation with the new sports administration graduate students.

-While washing my clothes, I went to Harris Teeter and flipped through some magazines. I came across a Cosmo I think with Blake Lively from Gossip Girl on the cover. I rarely look at this magazine but had some time to kill and checked it out. Wow, interesting stuff. There’s content on woman issues like breast cancer, but then the next article will be on sexual positions and how to spice up your love life. Just odd. Decent read though.

-This week, I’ve taken my nephew’s advise and ignored the ladies, which was kinda odd. I’m a social guy and I like to know what going on with people but I don’t want to be overbearing. To be honest with you, I really didn’t think about any of the women that I discuss and detail here this week at all. I’ve really just moved on and just living my life.

I did put my nephew’s ideals to the test when I saw Amber at the gym Saturday after not seeing her for about two weeks. Usually, when I see her, I stop and speak with her for a few minutes. However, when I entered the gym, I gave her a hello and walked right past her and did my workout. When I finished my lift, I was leaving and Amber said what’s up to me and we chatted some. I let her initiate the conversation and lead things.

We finished and I just said goodbye and left. I wanted to tell Amber later how it was great to see her, how great it was to see her smile and wanted to talk with her some more because I can spend everyday with her, but I haven’t spoken or called her or text messaged her since I saw her.

I’m not saying that this is the right approach or something that I would normally do, but it’s definitely different. I’ll give you an update if something happens.

-The two most poitntless things that go on during this time of year for me. Little League Baseball World Series and Preseason football. I’ve watched none of the first one and maybe 10 minutes of the second one.

-I’ve just joined a fantasy football league and I’m geeked about that.

-That’s all for Reflections. Here’s a tentative schedule of the posts schedule this week:

Monday: Why I’m hyped about returning to school
Tuesday: Why I still represent for the NYC contrary to popular beliefs
Wednesday: Why I’m feeling international basketball again and why its 40% possible that Kobe Bryant ends his career in Italy and Lebron James in Greece
Thursday: Wildcard
Friday: A proper MMA Review
Saturday: Whatever I damn well please
Sunday: Reflections

-I was bumping some Depeche Mode hard this weekend. Here’s some music.

Sunday Reflections

It’s funny that I had a clip from Chasing Amy, one of my favorite movies ever, on this blog this past week.

Long story short, it’s a movie about a guy who meets a girl who’s a lesbian, he puts it out there that he loves her, they decide to date each other, he finds out about her very active sexual past, they break up, etc. I’ll have a clip below from the movie explaining the title.

Looking back on this, I’m wondering what I’m chasing in my life.

I was on my Facebook account Saturday morning and I came across pictures of an old college female friend and her vacation pictures with her boyfriend. I used to like this girl when we were in school and we have kept in touch over the years. I don’t have any romantic feelings for her now. So, I see the pictures and the first thought is jealousy. I’m jealous that she has found someone in her life and looks happy on her vacation.

I became reflective and thought to myself that I’ve never found a woman in my life to have a relationship with and became depressed. I began to blame myself and came to the belief that I’m not good looking, don’t have a good personality and no woman would ever want to spend time with me.

And also, while I see a lot of people meeting special people in their lives, getting married or developing potentially life-long relationships with their boyfriend or girlfriend, I’m watching Kevin Smith clips on the internet and playing video games till 2 a.m. alone.

All of these emotions hit me at one moment and that sucked to be honest with you.

My next step was looking directly into the mirror and looking right at myself. From this, I learned two life lessons, one of which I’ve mentioned on this blog numerous times.

The first one was that for me to love someone else, I must first learn to love myself. I looked in the mirror and was happy with the person that I was seeing. I’m in a good mental and physical place in my life right now. My life isn’t perfect but I’m very blessed. I’ve made strides physically and I’m a good person. I like my personality and have truly been acting like myself the past year or so. I’ve always had two major kinks in my personality. First, I try to please everybody because I fear rejection and I’m passive-aggressive. I’m trying to be honest with people and not worry if they like me or not. I’m happy with my progress on these things. If I haven’t met a woman who can accept me for who I am, that’s not my fault or women’s fault in general. That’s just the way that life has worked out for me.

The second thing that I realized when looking in the mirror was why I was comparing my life to someone else’s. I’ve stated here numerous times that one of the main rules that I live by is to not compare my life with another. I realized that my college friend is living her life the way she is and I shouldn’t be ashamed of mine.

I then went to the gym and got a good cardio workout in thinking about all of these things. What I realized also is that I’ve been selfish in my prospective of life.

I try to be liberal and accept everyone for who they are yet struggle with accepting me, if that makes sense. I become not happy with myself and therefore envy others who seem happy.

While I was working out, I saw Amber. Once again, for those of you unfamiliar with Amber, here are some posts she’s been mentioned in: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/06/update-on-workout-girl-if-you-see-this.html and http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-is-what-i-get-for-trying-to.html

During my entire interaction with her the past few months, I’ve never truly felt happy that she was dating someone back in her hometown and not me. Sure, I’ve told her that I was happy for her but haven’t completely meant it. Why did I feel this way?

I’m on the elliptical machine thinking of this and why was I reflecting my emotions towards hoping for non-happiness of others.

I then had a moment of clarity. Amber is a friend who has become dear to me. So what if she’s not interested in me as a boyfriend? She’s happy with her boyfriend and I’m happy that she’s happy.

We then talk with each other and I looked right into her eyes and asked her about her boyfriend. I found out about his international travel, musical interests and other things. For the first time in my life hearing someone else talking about their partner, I wasn’t jealous. I started talking about the girl I mentioned on my Sunday reflections last week: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/07/sunday-reflections-sunday-reflections.html

I then told Amber about my morning and talked to her about never having a serious girlfriend at 27, playing video games, etc. She then did something that I’ll never forget.

She looked right at me and told me that it’s OK.

Many people tell me that my lifestyle is ok, but I usually ignore it on the premise that they are telling me this to not be mean. However, Amber honestly told me that I’m just living my life and it’s all good. I was also cool with my lifestyle and I thought it was all good.

My all goods were all coming in sync and I felt fortunate to have Amber in my life.

We continued our conversation and was happy with myself and more importantly, the happiness of others. All of the jealously and envy that I had for other people’s dating lives went away and I felt clearer and so free.

I finally stopped chasing the lives of others and focused on staying home and working on my own. I finally loved myself.

If you’re familiar with this blog, you know that I have moments of happiness and sadness, sometimes both at the same time. In a few days, I can become sad again.

However, the feeling that I have right now isn’t happiness or sadness. It's acceptance.

Yeah, I’m 27, live in a small apartment, take pride in my video game skills, am little on the pudgy side, love my General Hospital, like my Kevin Smith movies and other things as well. I am who I am and now love who I am.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life, if I’m single my entire life and never meet someone special, I’m OK with it.

Wow, that was some deep stuff. Sorry for taking you down that path, but that’s what Sunday Reflections makes me do.

I’ll have some good stuff this week for you as usual on sports, movies, TV and life in general.

For now, I leave you with two clips from Chasing Amy. The first one is the actual speech from Silent Bob explaining the title and my post tonight. The second one is what you can tell a potential girlfriend one day. The clip doesn’t show it but she ends up kissing him in the end.

Have a good week everybody!

An Update on "Workout Girl" (If you see this picture, you know it ain't good!)

So I had an interesting conversation with “workout girl” today at the gym.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with her, Amber is the girl that I always interact with in the gym who I like a lot. I even chronicled one encounter with her in a past post. Here it is: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-is-what-i-get-for-trying-to.html

Wow, Amber was the subject of my third-ever post back in April. Crazy stuff.

Anyway, all of this stuff has started out back in April. We crossed paths a lot at baseball games and at the Beaman. I’ve been asking her out to do something together and every time I do, something never got right. I would text her and not get a response. I would not contact her for several days and see if that was an issue. We just couldn’t connect.

We openly talked about our potential relationships outside of each other and did it in a mature manner. Amber was dating; I was talking to other girls. We were just living our lives.

However, something weird happened last weekend. I saw Amber at the Beaman on a Thursday and we were talking as usual. I asked her if she wanted to get coffee that weekend. She said yes. I told Amber that I would call her Saturday and we could pick a time.

Now, the old Marcel would have been pushy and set a date and time for Saturday on Thursday. I’m usually very aggressive when it comes to dealing with trying to date girls.

I also used to be very traditional in my views. I thought that if you liked someone, you asked them out, you went on a date, etc. However, the concept of dating has been twisted over time. It seems like people aren’t having traditional dates as much now. What are your thoughts?

So, I call Amber on Saturday morning, not too early. I leave a message on her voicemail saying hello, just calling, and the usual stuff. I didn’t hear from her so I called Saturday night, saying the same stuff. No word from Amber.

Sunday comes along and I’m relaxing at my home and I realize that it’s Sunday night and I hadn’t heard from Amber. So I shoot her a quick text message asking what’s up and if she’s ok.

On Monday morning, I get a text from her telling me that she was working all that weekend and was sorry that she didn’t call me back. Cool.

The key to our interactions is that it’s always been laid back. We’re not too serious about it. And from dealing with Joan, the girl that I have feelings for but is dating someone, I’ve learned to keep it honest with women. It’s just too demanding and a pain in the butt to have lies and deceptions and trying to act like someone you aren’t.

I said to myself that I wouldn’t talk to or call Amber for a week. I needed some distance from her. However, when you work out a lot like I do and she happens to be employed by the gym, that’s not going to happen.

I saw Amber several times and didn’t mention anything about trying to go out with her. Once again, no pressure. However, I was in the gym today and saw her and really wanted to spend time with her. I did my workout and during most of it I kept coming back to the thought that if Amber really isn’t interested in going out with me, why am I going to keep harping on trying to make it happen?

As I said, I’ve been trying to go out with Amber since April! I needed to just get an answer and some clarity. So after I lift, I go to Amber and ask her if she’s dating someone. She mentions that she likes a guy back in her hometown. We’ve talked about the guy in the past, so that wasn’t shocking at all. Amber tells me that she’s interested in him right now, isn’t single and is trying to have a long-distance relationship.

Old Marcel would have lost his mind and been sad for the rest of the weekend, wondering why there isn’t anyone out there for him, believing that he will die lonely, etc.

However, since Amber and I have kept it honest with each other, I wasn’t mad at all. I actually appreciated her honesty and telling me what she was feeling. I listened to her and respected it instead of trying to hear what I wanted to hear. There's a difference between listening and hearing.

I’m not happy with it because I still have feeling for Amber and think that she’s a great girl. We have fun together when we interact and we’ve become friends. I’m actually happy that she’s found someone that she’s vibed with. I really am. If she’s happier with her boyfriend then potentially unhappy with me, be happy Amber. Also, she’s very cute and that’s always a good thing.

I’ve reached an interesting phase of interaction with women in my life the past few months.

With Amber and especially Joan, I’m accepted trying to know a girl for more than just seeing her, being attracted to her and then wanting to date her immediately. I’ve taken a step back and tried to let things happen in an eased pace.

It’s different for me because I’m someone who likes to pursue things immediately, whether I need them or not. However, when dealing with women it’s a different deal.

Looking back on the old me, I forced many potential relationships with my aggressiveness and that ruined any chance of something special developing. I guess I was looking for some quick and simple gratification, that’s what she said. Let me stop.

Point being that you can’t force a relationship with a woman. She has her own life and she isn’t going to force anything into it that isn’t necessary. I’ve made the mistake of assuming that women have a lot of free time and are looking for someone like me to fill that time and I suffocate them.

That’s not how it is. For a potential relationship to work, each of us must balance our own times before we can incorporate anyone else into it.

Where do I go from here? Do I secretly pine for Amber or even Joan to break up with their boyfriends and come running to me? Sure, if they wanted to hang out with me and take it to another level, I’m cool with that.

However, I’m going to keep flowing with life and see where it takes my relationships with women. Hopefully, if I meet someone and we want to date each other, we’ll be ready for each other and things can go from there.

Lets just all hope it doesn’t take two months this time.

Here's some Genesis for your viewing pleasure.