Hey y’all. I’ve been trying to write a post the past few days about the various topics of potential interests to each of you. I know that I owe you an article on race in music, the presidential election, another addition of does this offend me (trust me, when I get around to it, this one is going to be a good one) and other things. However, I’ve just struggled with my writings here in Georgia.
I’ve learned that I’m a product of consistency. I write every one of my posts from the same laptop in my bedroom with some music playing and facing a television. However in Atlanta, I’ve had to resort to using my mother’s computer away from the TV with music playing. It may not sound like much of a difference, but for a writer that can mean a lot.
I’ve also never stopped and started writing posts as much as I have these past two days. I wanted to write about a lot of stuff, but I would write a sentence or two and stop to start over again. If you’ve read my blog consistently, you know that it’s free-flowing. I type what I think and really only edit for some spelling and grammar errors. I don’t change the format, diction or anything else. It seems like I’m pressing to write the perfect post because more of you are reading this blog then ever.
I have an internal pressure to make sure that I write something that all of you would enjoy. However, I should take advice from Maynard of the band Tool. I heard him say in an interview that the band is selfish and does music for itself and not for the fans. However, through catering to its own needs, the band has created a unique sound and voice that crosses everything because of its honesty. So by being selfish, Tool is being accommodating to it fans, if that makes sense.
I’ve written before that this blog is really a self-evaluation that’s done publicly. Hopefully some of you can read something on here and take something away from it. However, since I’ve been getting responses from friends, family, fellow bloggers and even authors of books that I mention in posts, I feel the need to be perfect.
I think that this crosses over to many other aspects of our lives. We feel no pressure in our lives when we’re younger and just going about our business. However, when expectations are brought upon us from our job, family or live in general, we deviate from what got us to the positive point of our life.
I’ve run away from many things in my life to avoid the potential pressure that it would bring upon me. I was living in Atlanta a few years ago and struggling to find a good job and living with my family. I had dreams of going to law school, why I don’t know. I took the LSAT and applied to schools for two years and got accepted to none of them. However, in my third year of applying to schools, I finally got accepted to one law school in Colorado. I didn’t go.
I tell people and myself that I didn’t want to be a lawyer after all and didn’t want to waste my time and money. That’s actually 90% true. However, that other 10% was fear of failure.
I compare it to when you’re out in public and you see an attractive person. Many of us consider three options. The first choice is to not say anything to them for the fear of rejection. I’ve been there, that sucks. The second choice is to go up to that person and say, “Hi, my name is XXXX, what’s your name?” We don’t like to do that because if the person blows us off, it’s like they’re rejecting you, which is just as bad.
The third choice is to use a pick-up line to mask our true being. We say things like “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together,” because if we’re rejected, we can always fall back on the pick-up line being the reason for the loss.
The point of all this is that I’ve been trying to pick each of you up in my own way with these three techniques. I’ve gone days without saying anything on the blog, because if I don’t write anything, I can’t be critical of it and beat myself up about it later. I’ve tried the equivalent of pick-up lines with some of the posts; I’ll let you decide which ones those are.
However, the posts I’m most proud of are the ones which are honest and truthful. Those are the ones where I just say, “Hey, I’m Etienne Marcel, what’s your name?”
Someone mentioned to me recently that the blog makes me seem desperate, especially when I discuss my interactions with women. I was kinda offended by this and instead of getting mad at this person, I’ve thought about it. Am I desperate for attention? Am I desperate for a meaning relationship with a woman? Am I desperate for something else?
But after thinking about it, I was madder at the concept of seeming desperate then maybe actually being desperate.
I don’t feel desperate at all. I like my place in life right now. However, I write my posts from my heart and it’s truly how I feel at that time. I keep it honest with you and myself. If that makes me desperate, then so be it.
I’ll get out of this little writers block funk I’m in right now soon. Actually, it will be tomorrow when I have my Sunday Reflections. Until then, stay strong and enjoy some OneRepublic…
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