Dating advice from my 11-year-old nephew

Hey everyone. I’m back from a tough personal week away from Nashville and ready to give you some excellent content here on the blog.

While I was in Atlanta and South Carolina, I was able to catch up with my two nieces and nephews, which was great. I take my role as an uncle seriously as in discussing sex and playing video games with them.

One of my nieces, Jordan, is still a Tennessee women’s basketball fan, which I’ve accepted over time. I detailed it here a few months ago: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/why.html

She still talks about Pat Summit and Candice Parker in glowing terms, which is OK. She loves basketball and you could do a lot worse than Tennessee. I actually don’t mind the school in as much as the fans.

Another thing I’ve learned, she can make me do anything she wants. When she first started talking about going to Tennessee, I told her that I would never attend any of her games because of my Vanderbilt loyalty. She got mad and then I told her that I would go to the game, would not cheer for the team, not wear the school colors and give the soft golf clap if she scored a basket. Now, Jordan tells me that I have to wear the UT colors and cheer for the team because of her.

Of course, I’ve caved and will now probably be in the first row cheering her on in a hunting color orange shirt. I can’t say no to her. She just looks at me with that face and I just melt. That’s my little woman and I just don’t want to see her unhappy.

I also caught up with my nephews, Alex and Matt on Sunday. Alex is in the 10th grade now and starting to hang out with girls. Of course, you know I had to give him the talk to remind him to protect himself and he knows what I mean by that.

However, 11-year-old Matt decided to chime in on my talk.

I talked to Jordan Wednesday about one of the girls that I mention on this blog often. I’m not going to refer to her by name but you know who she is. I guess she told Matt about her and my nephew had some advice on how to deal with her and other women.

First, he asked me what race this girl was. I told him and he told me to avoid all girls of that race. Yeah, it’s odd that he has a commentary on an entire race of women, but whatever.

He then told me to ignore her and not even talk to her. I said that I was probably going to call her, text her or send her an e-mail because I haven’t heard from her in a while. Matt then told me that I need to leave her alone and make her contact me.

I then asked Matt about where I may find a woman and how I should approach them.

I suggested the supermarket. Matt didn’t approve of that because the women in the supermarket usually have children and are unavailable. Let me remind you that this kid is 11. He told me that I should go to the mall because there are different types of women there to approach.

Finally, and this was the highlight of the entire conversation. HE suggested that I go to the bookstore because he knows that I’m a smart guy and if I go to a bookstore on a Saturday, I will find a smart girl because smart girls read on Saturdays. I need to co-write a book with this kid.

At this point, I’m amazed at this analysis and want to know more. Matt then tells me that I need to specialize in three categories so that when I approach her, I can at least have some knowledge of the subject. He told me to specialize in these three:

Poetry, Art and Cooking.

With the poetry, I should learn some Shakespeare so that I can talk to her about it. With the art, I can show her that I like pictures and appreciate that stuff. Finally, the cooking will show her that I can make a meal and girls like that.

I suggested sports, but he told me no because I already know that stuff and girls aren’t usually in the sports books section.

He told me that I should mention that I play an instrument because girls like that stuff.

To conclude my lesson, Matt told me that I should learn how to play a sport so that I can do a physical activity with her. He then made me throw a football to see my skills which he decided were not good, so football was out. Matt then asked me about basketball, baseball, things like that. I stink in all of those sports. I mentioned racquetball, which I’m OK at, but he didn’t like that.

Alex then chimed in and mentioned rugby, which if I played for more then 15 minutes, it would be the end of your boy.

The problem is that if I say I’m good at a sport and she finds a pick-up game for me to play in or worse she wants to play with me and I suck that kills that gig.

I suggested that I make up a story that I was a good football player in high school since I’m big, but I got a major injury and can’t play anymore. Alex rejected that because she would then ask a lot of questions like where I got injured and stuff like that.

Both of my nephews then looked at my wardrobe and didn’t like it. I had on a beat up Nike cap, black polo shirt, khakis shorts and my low-cut Reebok sneakers that I’ve had for about five years. They told me that I need to change everything.

I need to grow my hair out, grow a mustache to match my bottom hair on my chin, lose some weight (dude, I’m like 20 pounds lighter then the last time you saw me) and get some new clothes.

They then proceeded to tell me that I needed to improve my rap with the ladies, because I’m corny.

This is true by the way. While they’re blasting Lil Wayne, I’m listening to Rush and Mars Volta. I’m an open geek and accept it.

After all of this analysis, they told me that I should be myself but that I was a work in progress. They promised to help me find a woman.

While it was sorta disturbing to hear your young nephews give YOU dating advice that mostly made sense in some way (I’m telling you, I need to do a true sitdown with Matt and write down more advice and publish it), I appreciated the honesty.

And that’s the best thing about family. They are going to be honest with you and tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

Sometimes it the least expected source to make you think about things. I think what Matt was trying to say in his own way is that I need to expand my horizons with my dating and try some different things.

I would never approach a woman at a bookstore or tell her that I was good in a sport or mention my musical skills because I’m vulnerable in those positions. Matt doesn’t think that because he’s never been rejected by a girl and is fearless through his youth. He’ll try anything.

If all of us had that fearlessness in our lives, we can achieve anything that we want to. It doesn’t just relate to dating, it relates to life.

It took Matt to make me realize that there are other fish in the sea for me to pursue besides the one or two that I mention on this blog.

Hopefully each of us can learn something from Matt because I certainly did.

For now, here’s some of that lame Rush that the kids aren’t listening to anymore. War Peart, Geddy and Lifeson!! Listen to that Brazilian crowd sing along!

Cleaning out the Links, Part II

Time for me to clean out some more links for your enjoyment:

-One great thing that I’ve come across recently is the SI Vault. Sports Illustrated has archived all of their back issues on to a Web site so that you can see every article written. Here it is: http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/

I’ve read stuff by Frank Deford, Curry Kirkpatrick, Ralph Wiley and so many other legendary writers. Sports journalism has truly changed over the years. Here are some interesting articles I’ve bookmarked:

Here was an interesting article on Pat Summit that appeared in Sports Illustrated in 1998. Despite the fact that I’ve grown to dislike that orange community college in east Tennessee, I respect Summit. I don’t like the university that she works for, but I acknowledge her. Anyway, here’s the article: http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1012132/index.htm

Here’s an article on Tom Seaver in the middle of his dominance for the Mets: http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1086339/index.htm

Here’s an article on the UnClutch nature of Magic Johnson. I had a talk about this with my boss, which I’ll discuss in detail on a post later this week: http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1122425/index.htm?eref=sircrc

-Another topic that I will discuss later this week is how potentially worthless my English degree is. Here’s an article on the 10 Most Worthless Majors: http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/03/the-10-most-worthless-college-majors/

-While I was a pretty smart dude back in my elementary school days, I would always find time to play games to get rid of the monotony of classes. Unlike high school or middle school for some when you can change rooms and subjects every hour, elementary school was just sitting in that one room going over the same stuff everyday accept for gym and lunch. Here’s a list of the top-10 Indoor Games: http://theloveofsports.com/index.php/site/comments/top_10_indoor_games/

I was king of the number one game on the list. I was good at number six and eight as well. Number nine, not so much.

-Here’s a listing of SI.com’s Top 25 College Programs for the 2007-08 season: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/sioncampus/07/01/2008-top-25-ncaa-rankings/index.html?eref=T1

It’s like the annual Sears Trophy that’s given out to the top overall college athletic program. I don’t understand why Arizona State or UCLA doesn’t win in every sport, yet Stanford does. I’ve been to UCLA and it’s like heaven on earth.

-Here’s a funny link to the Top 10 Annoying Things about Facebook: http://www.collegecandy.com/haha/10039

I have to be honest, as a Facebook addict, I violate one or two of these.

-Have you ever wanted to order a custom championship belt just like your favorite wrestler or combat fighting champion? Check here: http://www.azstarnet.com/accent/248887

And if you don’t think that I’m going to have at least one of these in my life, you’re playing yourself. I will have one and battle my future wife in competitions for ownership of it. This will keep the marriage active and competitive, which is all you need. Oh yeah, a good pre-nup as well. Just kidding, or am I?

That’s all for now. I didn’t give you a preview of this week of the blog yesterday, so here it is:

Tuesday: Why did I major in English?

Wednesday: Maybe something about college athletic programs or the values of pimping. Either one works for me. Tell me which one you want to hear about.

Thursday: Do we view our superstars differently now for winning or not winning championships?

Friday: MMA Review

Saturday: Whatever I damn well please.

Sunday: Sunday Reflections

Here’s some Mars Volta

Your boy is now a Tennessee resident (live the dream)!

Sorry for not making a post the past few days. I’ve been busy even though I’m technically not working right now.

One thing that did take up a ton of my time was visiting the DMV yesterday morning. Its one of those rites of passage that each of us needs to go through when we drive a car.

The special part about this event was that I was transferring my license from Georgia to Tennessee. This added a lot of bells and whistles that weren’t needed.

So I wake up yesterday morning and I debate if I want to go through this stuff now or later. I decide to just take care of it right then and there, knowing that it would be a long morning.

I go to the first place to get my license transferred and the line is already forming outside the building and this is at 9 a.m. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I got lost getting there, which is standard. I looked up the directions the day before and was doing a good job on I-40, but I missed my exit, so I had to reverse directions and find my way back, not fun. And the place was about 10 miles away, yay for me.

I enter the first place and I have to show them everything, my Georgia license, bank statement, electric bill, passport and everything else to prove that I actually exist. I have all of this stuff in my pockets and getting confused. So, after I check in, I have to fill out an application for my new Tennessee license, which takes some time.

If you haven’t been to the DMV in a while, you check in, tell them what you want to get done and then you’re given a number and you have to wait for it to be called. The DMV was efficient in the fact that they let me fill out the application while I was waiting for the number was being called.

When you’re waiting for your number to be called, it’s like the most agonizing form of anticipation you can have. You just sit there. My number was B115 (yeah, I remember the number) and I remember seeing numbers like B109 and B110 being called, knowing that I’m coming up. However, there are also another set of numbers like G198 and A045 in the “g” and “a” categories. So you here your category, in my case “b” being called and you’re excited that you’re going to be next. Then numbers from the other categories get called and you’re mad. I was getting mad that other categories were getting called. Where were the “b” numbers, I was wondering.

I actually started texting people looking for some conversation because I was bored.

So, my number finally gets called and a nice lady helped me, including giving me an eye exam, which I passed with flying colors. So she processes me, tells me to wait to get my picture taken and says welcome to Tennessee.

I’m officially a Tennessee resident, y’all!

I’m cool with this and I tell the lady to start processing my tags and my license plate. Bad news sports fans. She tells me that I have to go to another place about 10 miles away to get the tags done. Argh! And she tells me that I have to get the car inspected at another location. I thought I was done with this inspection crap in Georgia. So she gives me directions to both places and I get my official license.

So, then I have to head to the inspection place, which was actually less than a mile away, so no beef there. However, I enter the wrong direction and almost get into an accident because they can’t frickin label their driveway properly. I then enter a line of other cars wanting to get their cars done too. That took about 30 minutes of my life. When I finally get the car inspected, the guy wants to crack jokes, which I’m not in the mood for. I’m not a jerk to the guy but I’m short with him to make sure that he knows that I’m not in the mod.

Torrie gets inspected and she’s good to go. Then I finally head to the tag place to get my new license plates. This place actually looked pretty nice and I was out of there in a short amount of time.

So, in the end, Torrie and I are now Tennessee residents! What do we get? I’m not sure, even though my Georgia license and license plate looked cooler. The stuff in Tennessee looks too plain. I’ll have to get some flavor for my license plate.

The DMV treated me well and didn’t fit into the reputation for being jerks. I’ve never had a bad experience at a DMV, even though I’ve never had to go to three different places to get something done. I’m just happy I finally got it done.

Let's get a cup of coffee "or something"

On our way to Florida, the baseball team and I watched some Seinfeld episodes and that was good times. One of the episodes was about the time that George asked out a waitress at their coffee shop. So they are out on their date and they are just walking and talking in Central Park when George starts talking about horse manure. She then mentions something about her boyfriend. George then talks to Jerry about how he was duped. George says that he told her that they should go out or something. Anyway, the “or something” part was decided to declare the event a date.

I turned to Ross, aka the Tennessee Tornado, and the Tornado and I shook our head and acknowledged that this has happened to us in the past.

The last time that I misinterpreted interaction with a girl happened earlier this year. For the sake of this post, we’ll call her Joan, because I know that she reads this blog often and some of you may know her.

So I met Joan in January and I immediately thought she was cute and had a cool attitude. We had to go to an event off-campus one day and after it was over, we spoke near her car and I was actually getting a positive vibe from her. I asked her if she wanted to go out to coffee or something. Sound familiar?

Joan said that she would like to and I sealed it with one of my patented bear hugs. One advantage to being a big man is that I give good hugs. The ladies love hugs, just don’t hold them too long because they start to get creeped out. If you want advice on hugs, just ask me.

Anyway, Joan and I start exchanging e-mails and even start making lists together, including the top-five albums that was the focus of a post I made last month. Go ahead, check out the post. Just come back.

So, throughout all of this, there is no mention of a boyfriend.

I mention something to Joan about her Facebook profile because she mentions that she likes a sports website I visit often as well.

I send Joan an e-mail telling her that I like the web site too. Joan responds that her boyfriend recommended it to her.

Really, a boyfriend!?!

I tried to play it off cool and when we saw each other later, I actually apologized to her for hitting on her and wanting to go out with her. Joan said that she just forgot to mention the boyfriend in our previous interactions.

Joan and I have actually become friends over the past few months, still do lists together, even though she owes me one, and actually keep in touch with each other more now then when we first started talking to each other. I’ve actually met the boyfriend and it was an interesting meeting to say the least.

Out of respect to him, I’ve kept it friendly with Joan because I don’t pursue someone else’s woman, even though I think very highly of her. Actually, since I haven’t been trying to date Joan, we’ve gotten to know each other better because I care about how she’s doing.

Every few days, I send Joan a text message to ask about her and make sure she’s feeling good. I do this because I really care about her as a friend.

So, in the end, getting swerved by Joan was a good thing because I made a good friend in the process. However, if she ever broke up with her boyfriend, I would like to finally have that cup of coffee or something.

Why?

I recently saw the fam in Kennesaw and it was great. All of the nieces and nephews are growing up. My nephew Alex, whose in the ninth grade, is a big Georgia fan, which is not cool because I've tried to make him a Georgia Tech fan and a Vanderbilt fan but it didn't happen. Some other crazy things. He gives me details about his 'dating' life, which is strange becasue I had no dating life at all when I was his age. I don't have one now. We're also friends of Facebook now. He's old enough to be a friend, I changed this boy's diapers, burped him, rock him to sleep at night as a baby, helped him learn to walk, took him to tee-ball games! Then there's the most important woman in my life besides my mother, my niece Jordan, whose in the seventh grade. You'll see her picture in my office if you ever visit. Anyway, she's really into basketball and is a fan of Georgia Tech, so of course this is awesome. However, she recently attended a basketball camp at that community college in East Tennessee and guess who her favorite player is now. Candice Parker. I have a Vols fan in my family! She has a signed ball from the whole team and everything. She even had a printout of the team and told me about all of these players. That hurt my heart. She likes those hillbillies! Now, I love this girl more than anything and want her to go for the best and in women's college basketball, UT is the best, but its still UT. I now have to refrain from my jokes about Tennessee because she actually listens to me and I don't want to help form her opinions. I guess its like being a parent and watching what you say. Here's the deal. If she ever went to Tennessee, of course I would support her. I would even attend games. However I would not cheer for the Vols. I hope she has a triple double and the team loses. Also, I would not ever wear that orange. I don't hunt or pick up trash on the side of the road. Unfortunately, I would have to go to Knoxville. I'm shaking my head in disapproval right now. Its the same deal with Alex. I already told him that he can go to Georgia but when they play Vandy, you know what time it is.