Dating advice from my 11-year-old nephew

Hey everyone. I’m back from a tough personal week away from Nashville and ready to give you some excellent content here on the blog.

While I was in Atlanta and South Carolina, I was able to catch up with my two nieces and nephews, which was great. I take my role as an uncle seriously as in discussing sex and playing video games with them.

One of my nieces, Jordan, is still a Tennessee women’s basketball fan, which I’ve accepted over time. I detailed it here a few months ago: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/why.html

She still talks about Pat Summit and Candice Parker in glowing terms, which is OK. She loves basketball and you could do a lot worse than Tennessee. I actually don’t mind the school in as much as the fans.

Another thing I’ve learned, she can make me do anything she wants. When she first started talking about going to Tennessee, I told her that I would never attend any of her games because of my Vanderbilt loyalty. She got mad and then I told her that I would go to the game, would not cheer for the team, not wear the school colors and give the soft golf clap if she scored a basket. Now, Jordan tells me that I have to wear the UT colors and cheer for the team because of her.

Of course, I’ve caved and will now probably be in the first row cheering her on in a hunting color orange shirt. I can’t say no to her. She just looks at me with that face and I just melt. That’s my little woman and I just don’t want to see her unhappy.

I also caught up with my nephews, Alex and Matt on Sunday. Alex is in the 10th grade now and starting to hang out with girls. Of course, you know I had to give him the talk to remind him to protect himself and he knows what I mean by that.

However, 11-year-old Matt decided to chime in on my talk.

I talked to Jordan Wednesday about one of the girls that I mention on this blog often. I’m not going to refer to her by name but you know who she is. I guess she told Matt about her and my nephew had some advice on how to deal with her and other women.

First, he asked me what race this girl was. I told him and he told me to avoid all girls of that race. Yeah, it’s odd that he has a commentary on an entire race of women, but whatever.

He then told me to ignore her and not even talk to her. I said that I was probably going to call her, text her or send her an e-mail because I haven’t heard from her in a while. Matt then told me that I need to leave her alone and make her contact me.

I then asked Matt about where I may find a woman and how I should approach them.

I suggested the supermarket. Matt didn’t approve of that because the women in the supermarket usually have children and are unavailable. Let me remind you that this kid is 11. He told me that I should go to the mall because there are different types of women there to approach.

Finally, and this was the highlight of the entire conversation. HE suggested that I go to the bookstore because he knows that I’m a smart guy and if I go to a bookstore on a Saturday, I will find a smart girl because smart girls read on Saturdays. I need to co-write a book with this kid.

At this point, I’m amazed at this analysis and want to know more. Matt then tells me that I need to specialize in three categories so that when I approach her, I can at least have some knowledge of the subject. He told me to specialize in these three:

Poetry, Art and Cooking.

With the poetry, I should learn some Shakespeare so that I can talk to her about it. With the art, I can show her that I like pictures and appreciate that stuff. Finally, the cooking will show her that I can make a meal and girls like that.

I suggested sports, but he told me no because I already know that stuff and girls aren’t usually in the sports books section.

He told me that I should mention that I play an instrument because girls like that stuff.

To conclude my lesson, Matt told me that I should learn how to play a sport so that I can do a physical activity with her. He then made me throw a football to see my skills which he decided were not good, so football was out. Matt then asked me about basketball, baseball, things like that. I stink in all of those sports. I mentioned racquetball, which I’m OK at, but he didn’t like that.

Alex then chimed in and mentioned rugby, which if I played for more then 15 minutes, it would be the end of your boy.

The problem is that if I say I’m good at a sport and she finds a pick-up game for me to play in or worse she wants to play with me and I suck that kills that gig.

I suggested that I make up a story that I was a good football player in high school since I’m big, but I got a major injury and can’t play anymore. Alex rejected that because she would then ask a lot of questions like where I got injured and stuff like that.

Both of my nephews then looked at my wardrobe and didn’t like it. I had on a beat up Nike cap, black polo shirt, khakis shorts and my low-cut Reebok sneakers that I’ve had for about five years. They told me that I need to change everything.

I need to grow my hair out, grow a mustache to match my bottom hair on my chin, lose some weight (dude, I’m like 20 pounds lighter then the last time you saw me) and get some new clothes.

They then proceeded to tell me that I needed to improve my rap with the ladies, because I’m corny.

This is true by the way. While they’re blasting Lil Wayne, I’m listening to Rush and Mars Volta. I’m an open geek and accept it.

After all of this analysis, they told me that I should be myself but that I was a work in progress. They promised to help me find a woman.

While it was sorta disturbing to hear your young nephews give YOU dating advice that mostly made sense in some way (I’m telling you, I need to do a true sitdown with Matt and write down more advice and publish it), I appreciated the honesty.

And that’s the best thing about family. They are going to be honest with you and tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.

Sometimes it the least expected source to make you think about things. I think what Matt was trying to say in his own way is that I need to expand my horizons with my dating and try some different things.

I would never approach a woman at a bookstore or tell her that I was good in a sport or mention my musical skills because I’m vulnerable in those positions. Matt doesn’t think that because he’s never been rejected by a girl and is fearless through his youth. He’ll try anything.

If all of us had that fearlessness in our lives, we can achieve anything that we want to. It doesn’t just relate to dating, it relates to life.

It took Matt to make me realize that there are other fish in the sea for me to pursue besides the one or two that I mention on this blog.

Hopefully each of us can learn something from Matt because I certainly did.

For now, here’s some of that lame Rush that the kids aren’t listening to anymore. War Peart, Geddy and Lifeson!! Listen to that Brazilian crowd sing along!

My latest top-five women list!

Hey everyone, its time for me to update my top-five list!

For those of you new to the concept, these are the five women in the world that I would like to hang out/date/share a hug/attend an epic box social with and everything in between.

Ashley Judd has been on my top-five list since the late 1990’s but it was time for new blood. So, Ashley is the head coach/general manager of the team.

Here's the criteria.

1) All women are eligible. I don’t care how you look, your age, your race, whatever. Anyone is welcome. I don’t care if you’re married, have kids, single, a lesbian, it’s all good. This is all taking place in make believe land.

2) To be in the top-five, you must serve time on the bench. There are no direct promotions into the starting lineup on my watch.

3) The bench can only have 30 women on it. I have to have a limit.

3) Even this is mostly based on looks, you have to seem to have some personality about you. Multi-talented women are always welcome.

OK, some ladies were on the bench the last time I made this list, but they have been demoted to the minors. They won’t get kicked out of bed, if you know what I mean, but they just isn’t room for them. Here are the following women off the bench:

-Sasha Cohen (figure skater)
-Logan Tom (volleyball player)
-Jennifer Aniston
-Morgan Fairchild
-Aisha Tyler
-Swin Cash

Ok, folks. Enough with the foreplay, here’s the list:



1) Maria Menounos. Physically, she’s amazing. Nice body, dark hair, nice skin tone and a thousand other attributes that I don’t want to get into. This is a family-friendly Blog. She’s Greek, from the northeast and has the ability to be on all types of TV shows from Today to Entertainment Tonight. She’s a decent actress and a good interviewer. Maria is also a producer and director, so she’s multi-talented. She’s into charity work and actually has a cool story of her getting into shape because she was unhealthy in her younger days. Also, she’s an athlete and competed in an AVP (professional beach volleyball) tournament.


2) Sarah Chalke. I usually don’t go for blondes, but I had to have Dr. Elliot Reed from Scrubs, one of my two or three favorite shows all-time, on this list. While it’s important to have diversity in your career like Maria did to make the top-five, I also respect growth. If you watch the first season or two of Scrubs, you wouldn’t call Sarah a hottie. However, as the show developed, she went from dorky stick figure to cutie in good time. She’s Canadian and just became a US citizen, which is awesome because our kids would have dual citizenship. We could watch hockey and curling while listening to a Rush album! Very happy about that. She’s fluent in German. She was on Roseanne back in the day, which I don’t know is a good or bad thing. A negative is that she’s in those crappy Hanes commercials now, but she looks good in them so whatever. She’s into charity work as well.


3) Gabrielle Union. She’s definitely the star and would serve as team captain. She is stunning, has a sick body and the best skin I’ve seen on a woman in a long time. I’ve been a fan of hers since Bring it On. Oh come on, all of you have seen this movie, don’t hate. She was born in Omaha, Nebraska, so you know we could go to a college football game together, it’s in her blood. Doing research on her, I found out that she dated Jason Kidd. Interesting. Anyway, she has a degree in sociology from UCLA, so she has brains. She was in Love and Basketball, respect. Her acting resume is solid and everytime I see news on her lately, she’s at some party so you know she can get down.


4) Mila Kunis. She’s definitely the defensive stopper on our team and our glue player who makes everything else go. Born in the Ukraine, she was not only funny on That 70’s Show, she is the voice of Meg Griffin on the funniest show on TV, Family Guy. She was just in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a funny movie. She’s Jewish, which is cool. She speaks several languages as well.



5) Ciara. Welcome back to the list! She was off the starting lineup last time, but she has worked hard and gotten her spot back. I’ve mentioned her before on my Blog and has always been a favorite. Maybe this was the reason I kicked her out of the starting lineup:



However, this recent picture redeemed her:


Her musical career speaks for itself. She’s from Atlanta, my former residence, so she gets points for that. She’s an excellent dancer and is in Nelly’s new song, Stepped on my J’z (that’s actually how the song is spelled) and looks tremendous in the video. Her acting is OK. I even sat through that volleyball movie she was in on MTV called All You’ve Got (I had to look it up). To be real, she’s in the starting lineup mostly for looks.

As owner of the team, you have to make some tough choices. Here were the ones who didn't make the starting lineup but are on the bench for the future:

Serena Williams
Katherine McPhee

Let’s welcome the new bench players! They will pick up their uniforms in the locker room:


-Vanessa Williams. I saw her in Nashville recently and she was naturally beautiful in person.


-Candice Parker. Look, I know that she’s a Vol and that should get her eliminated from any list of mine as a Commodore. However, she is beautiful, an excellent athlete and my niece’s favorite player, as documented here: http://pourtoutpancakes.blogspot.com/2008/04/why.html. She does get docked some points for being engaged to Sheldon Williams. That dude, really?!?


-Sarah Evans. Solid choice and she’s engaged to a former national champion-winning quarterback. Roll Tide! I can’t believe that I said that.


-Selita Ebanks. Docked some points for being engaged to Nick Cannon at a point but now she’s dating my boy, Osi Umenyiora of the SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS! Major, major points for that. Oh yeah, she’s a Victoria’s Secret model. That counted for something too.


-Rosario Dawson. I feel bad that she was not on the original bench. I just forgot about her. Tall, tan skin, funny, she is definitely a candidate for the starting lineup next time around. She kicked butt in Sin City, has a multi-cultural background, born in the NYC, very active in community service and just see the movie Alexander for the rest of the reasons she’s a winner.


-Nikki “Hoopz” Alexander. I hate having a reality star on this list, but she is cute and does play basketball. She will definitely be on the end of the bench and will only be used in blowouts if we’re winning or losing by a bunch of points.


-Persia White. Very underrated woman on an underrated show. Girlfriends is a good show and Persia plays my favorite character. The tattoos are hot, beautiful skin tone, excellent hair, I’m a fan. She is also strong into human and animal rights, so her head is in the right place. She’s also a musician. Good qualities all around.


-Diane Lane. First, I love older women. She seems to have that quality of a dignified woman who knows what she wants. Also, Unfaithful was a tremendous film.

-Julia Louise Dreyfus. Another older woman that I wouldn’t mind spending time with. I had a huge, huge crush on her when she was on Seinfeld. I don’t know what it was. I think it was seeing a funny woman on television. Humor is such an underrated quality in a woman and it’s a turn-on for me. She’s doing a great job on her current show on CBS, which is a funny watch BTW. Plus, she’s loaded financially both from her career and her family, so she’s got money. Can’t argue with that.


- Yvonne Strahovski. She may be unfamiliar with many of you, but she crossed my radar recently from being on one of my favorite shows, Chuck. She’s Austrailian and has the sexiest accent. The trip is that on Chuck, she plays an American and hides the accent. I remember the first time I heard her speak on a talk show and I flipped out. She plays a secret agent and yeah, she’s hot. Also, she’s fluent in Polish. Please watch the show or look at some episodes online and you will understand why she’s on the bench.


-Kate Beckinsale. She should have been on the original bench.


-Charlize Theron. I just saw Hancock and she makes the bench just on that performance alone. Being from the motherland, aka Africa, is a plus.


-Kristin Kreuk. Underrated. Another Canadian, so respect there. Potential sleeper to move up on the team, but I need so see some more from her.

Here’s the rest of the bench:
Rachida Jones (actress on "The Office" - toughest omission from the list)

Eva Mendez-actress

Sophia Bush (second toughest omission from the list)
Jessica White-model

Alicia Keys (was on my original top-five list several years ago)

Stacey Dales - basketball analyst ESPN

Michelle Kwan- figure skater

Bonnie Bernstein- sports analyst

Tatiana Ali (original crush from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")

Lucy Liu- actress

Kelly Hu- actress

Amy Lee- lead singer Evanescence

Jaclyn Smith - actress from Charlie’s Angels

Jada Pinkett-Smith - actress

That’s it. I would love to hear your opinions on my list and suggest some women for the team.