Sunday Reflections (on a Monday)

Hey everyone, hope all is well with you.

Music to listen to: Fade to Black by Metallica (live)

When all else fails when trying to find a song for this portion of a Blog post, Metallica is hard to go wrong with.

I was going to write about the football games from yesterday, particularly marveling at the brilliance of Peyton Manning, the pure joy in seeing Brett Farve fail, true happiness for the Saints, especially the fans and residents of the entire Gulf Coast. But the Super Bowl isn't for another two weeks, so previews and reviews of the NFL can come later.

I was going to write a midseason review of the NBA, don't worry, that's tomorrow.

I was going to give you an update on my dating life, but not much has happened in that department.

I was going to write about Haiti and how it affects all of us in ways that we don't even realize, but that's a standard belief that I think most of us already have.

I'm going to tell you about my Friday afternoon into evening.

The workday was grinding down to an end at my office and I had a feeling of sadness come upon me. I was a little tired but nothing outside of the normal. I left work, drove home, and when I exited my car, I stopped right there.

The thought that continued to come to me was my lack of happiness in this lifestyle. I looked at my beat up car that I hadn't cleaned in months and wondered why I hadn't taken care of that. I stayed in this position for about five minutes.

Then I entered my home which was dirty and didn't look like a place that a young professional such as myself should be living in. In my place, I enter though the kitchen and when I stepped into the home, I stood there for another five minutes.

After that, I thought about what I was going to do for that night and remembered that my date for the evening was canceled because she wasn't feeling well. This bummed me out...I didn't stand in place for five minutes for this one.

I just went into my room, laid on my bed and reflected on how I ended up in this position. I began to re-examine every aspect of my life from my car to apartment to weight to job to dating and everything else that was tangible at that time.

What I realized is that I wasn't happy with any of them.

This is a tough realization to have for anyone and I know that all of us have been in this place at least once in our lives.

I thought about what I should be doing as a 28-year old with my background. With all of the work that I've done, I should own my own place instead of having to rent it and barely be able to afford it. I shouldn't have to drive a used 1998 Ford Taurus that may break down any moment. I should be in a long-term relationship and even have a kid, maybe two by now. I shouldn't have to take odd jobs that pay hardly anything just to pay bills. I shouldn't be an intern. I shouldn't feel this lonely nearly every day of my life. I shouldn't be nervous to enter public social settings. I shouldn't be as unhealthy as I am.

I shouldn't have this life.

All of these emotions came to me and I felt a feeling of unhappiness that I hadn't experienced since I was about 22, when I was saddened to dark places that I don't want to ever visit again. It's even hard writing this stuff now a few days after this experience.

So, I took a deep breath and thought about every major decision that I've made. Should I have gone to Vanderbilt? Should I have come back to Nashville? Should I have told Sara that I loved her? Should I have turned down law school? Should I even work in sports? Should I quit my job tomorrow and not look back? Should I have stayed in the NYC...you get the idea.

Then I realized that I was feeling frustrated with not living the lives of others that I'm not like.
Each of us has our own journey. I've made mistakes in my life and I have regrets. I'm not happy with the path that my life has taken but I'm not ashamed of it because its my own.

I believe that you can't control the path that your life takes but you can have significant influence in it. There's a reason that I'm in my current life. If God wanted me to be a father and a husband right now, it would have happened. If he wanted me to be a lawyer making six-figures, driving a BMW and owning a condo in the city, it would be going down at this moment.

I think that he has put me in this position to make me earn everything that I want. When I was younger, things were very easy for me. I had a loving mother that provided me with everything that I needed and more, to the point of being spoiled. High school was not hard, but I was a pitbull when it came to school and other things. I would sit in my small room in Brooklyn and motivate myself with the belief that I was going to dominate this world. If that meant studying through the night, working jobs in the summer while my buddies were relaxing, it that meant preparing myself for a career in sports like no other, that was going to happen.

Even college wasn't a terrible struggle. I had fun, enjoyed life, things were good. However, after college, the real world kicked my ass and it roughed me up a bit. Fortunately, I had a loving family that took care of me and I was able to work through some tough things. But the past three years, I've noticed that I've become lazy and content with the standard.

The teenager version of me would smack the adult me in the face and tell him to get his ass in gear and I think that's what was happening to me on Friday. He was looking at me and wondering how this took place over the years.

So, after this entire reflection took place, I decided that I was going to a complete reevaluation of my life in every aspect. I'm going through this process right now and it should make for some interesting posts in the upcoming weeks.

On Friday night, I went to the bookstore and read, something that I enjoy doing often but have gotten away from. I read some sports books, even the Bill Simmons' one on basketball that was just released. Reading his passionate writing about the sport inspired me because I remember having that same desire as a younger guy but losing it over time. I think its coming back and I'm excited about that.

After the bookstore, I came back home and gained prospective on life in general seeing the telethon for Haitian relief on the TV. As much as I've written above, its nothing in comparison with what is going on there. Its unfortunate to realize your fortune in comparison to the sadness and despair of others but that's what happened to me.

With that, I went to sleep.

So what does this mean for me? Am I going to change my job? Get a new place to live? Abstain from a lot of things and that includes you know what? Do I move out of Nashville? Do I hike the mountains or kayak a river? I don't know but all is being considered. I do know that days like Friday are going to come again and hopefully I'm better prepared for the emotions but maybe the point isn't to be prepared for them.

Maybe I'll stick to writing about the NBA for the moment and things will go from there.