Music to listen to: Clubbed to Death by Rob Dougan (otherwise known as that Matrix song)
My nephew asked me a few weeks ago if this was my lowest point of my life or rock bottom. I thought about it and I simply told him no. He didn’t have to know about my unhappy high school years, my depression during the first two years of college, celebrating my 21st birthday alone and wondering if I left the world if anyone would care, having the power and heat cut off of my apartment in Dunwoody, making me take hot showers at the gym and about five or six situations I can think of but won’t get into.
Searching for a job is not my lowest point.
I can see his view of it. He has seen his uncle go from earning a master’s degree in the one industry that I’ve cared about the most, sport management and then working in professional wrestling in a fun job to having no money in my account and having to move into my mother’s home. He’s seen me move away from a place that I’ve had the best three years of my life, Nashville, to a less active suburbia.
To a 13-year old who thinks his uncle should be living in a condo in downtown Atlanta partying with three girlfriends and hitting the bars but instead is barely surviving, that can be viewed at as a low.
But his blunt honesty of my situation has made me realize that I’ve let myself perceive this as a low and that’s why I haven’t written on my Blog for nearly two months.
For those of you who have followed Pourtout Pancakes the past three years know that I’ll write about anything personal accept my family. I’ve written about my body image issues, my job, working on getting my education, dating, sports and even dying. My boundaries are very open, but why the fear of writing now?
I thought that I would write my post saying goodbye to Nashville and than be able to do another one a week or two later promoting my new job in a fun city that would continue my life path.
I wanted my next post to be a positive one with good news on my front but that isn’t what the Blog is about. Its about me working out my issues and hopefully letting my experiences be helpful to someone that’s reading it.
I let the perceived lives of others affect my mood. I violated my own rule of not judging my life in comparison with others. One of my life mantras is to have my own journey but when I see people I know getting jobs, getting married, having children, taking vacations around the world and I’m stuck here, that hurt.
But this (earmuffs for the kids) shit is temporary. I will come out of this stronger and with a desire to dominate all aspects of my life. I will get a job, have my own place again and get back into a positive situation.
The second thing that happened since my move here was interesting as well. I was in an interview for a sales position for an athletic department in Georgia and they asked me if sports didn’t exist, what industry would I work in.
At first, I tried to give a answer but kept it real and told them that I can’t imagine myself in another industry.
I’m a sports journalist. That’s what I do.
I’ve been flexible with it working in media relations, marketing, advertising, etc but the core desire is the same.
Fuck it I will have that sports media outlet that will be witnessed by the world as the premiere source in the world for sports news. I can’t compromise on that ideal because if I do than I will consider my life, at least on the professional side, a failure.
I have been a failure towards my goal and have to be honest about that. You’re reading this and calling me out on my bull crap.
I could produce this sports media vehicle right now. I can start up that second Blog. I can post videos with my commentaries. I could become a freelance writer. All of this is true. I’m not going to make promises that I’m going to do all of that to you because I can’t even keep that promise to myself.
I don’t know what my next step is and that’s the honest truth.
So that’s the update. I’ll touch on stuff like enjoying food a little too much, my new enjoyment of Univision and Telemundo, LeBron, the World Cup, watching three seasons of The Wire on DVD and it being one of the five best shows I’ve ever seen, the Cincinnati Reds being in first place, getting roped into online dating again, Fedor losing and Brock winning me over as a MMA fan, being awed by Breaking Bad, the addiction of daytime TV and everything in between over the next few weeks in my blog posts.
This isn’t a rock bottom, just a time to get it together and more importantly, get it right.
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