My Prom (If you've read my previous posts, you know this isn't going to be good)

This past week, The Early Show on CBS was reliving the proms of all of the hosts of the show because its prom season. Everyone was reunited with their dates and friends from high school and it was a good time. So you know what that means. I had to reflect on my prom experience, not so good.

It was the spring of 1999, boy bands were all the rage, the Mets were in the middle of a decent run and my school’s prom was coming up. I went to an all boys' school, so in the infinite wisdom of the school, they decided to merge with other single sex schools to have one big prom. Since I was the student body president, guess who had to plan this thing.

I disliked the concept of a prom because I thought it was stupid to have to dress up in clothes I don’t like for an event I don’t want to go to. If I had my choice, I wouldn’t have gone to it because I knew that I would go and get depressed and that’s exactly what happened.

I actually had a deal on a tuxedo, so I didn’t have to pay for that, so that was good. However, I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time and no girls liked me enough to go as a friend, so I had to go to the damn prom alone because I planned the event and I was required to attend.

While planning the whole event, I was extremely lonely and depressed that I had to plan for an event everyone else would have fun at accept me.

So the day of the prom comes and I was actually going to just hop on the subway, literally go to the event for like 10 minutes and go home and cry my eyes out. You know, a typical Friday night during high school. But bless my mother’s heart, she had other plans.

She knew how sad I was and decided to rent some town car from a car service to take me. I just accepted it because I didn’t want to make my mother mad. So I get into the car and just feel sad that I have to act happy at this event when I just want to stay home.

So I arrive at the event, everyone is having a good time and I put on a happy face because I don’t want to bring the mood down. I see some of my good buddies like Carlos and John, who managed to find dates. So much for hanging with the boys.

I’m about to leave the prom but I’m convinced to go to a post-party at my friend’s Curtis’ house. I decide to go and everyone is there with their dates accept me. There was no alcohol, which sucked because at least I could’ve gotten drunk to feel better, but that wasn’t possible. Everyone was cool at the party even though I hardly knew anybody.

It ends up being around 2 a.m. and I just leave. I hail a cab and just head home.

That was probably the saddest I’ve felt in my life at that time. Sitting in that cab ride knowing that every time I think of proms, that memory will come back. I have no pictures from that event, I rarely speak about it to anybody, and I honestly can’t tell you the name of the place the event was at even though I planned it. I’ve pushed this event away from my memory because it was too painful for me then.

Everyone in college would always talk about their prom in a great light. They went with their partner, hung out with friends, and had some fun and wild stories to last a lifetime. I have that cab ride home feeling that no one ever liked me and never will.

So, when I see all of those teenagers out there now going to their proms, I actually get a little emotional about it. I don’t cry as often thinking about it, even though I almost teared up just now typing this. During college, even the mention of a prom would make me an emotional mess the rest of the day.

Its not that I’m jealous that other people have enjoyed their events, I’m happy for them. I’ve never wished the bad emotions I have to be passed on to someone else. I just sometimes wonder why I have to go through painful events like my prom when they hurt me.

I guess I look back on that event and try to figure out why it happened. Even in my lifelong relationship rut, I have to believe that all of this is happening for a reason. I have to emerge from it stronger mentally.

This is why I don’t think about proms. That emotional feeling is coming back now. So I’ll just end it on this. I honestly wish that I didn’t go to it because it would have been much cooler to ditch it and not have gone through it. But I went to it and it’s now a part of my life that has to be accepted.

It is what it is

My updated NBA Playoff Thoughts

Here are my quick thoughts on the NBA playoffs at this moment:

Detroit/Orlando: Magic, how can you blow Game 4 at home like that! That series is over and now we have to deal with frickin Detroit in the conference finals again. People talk bad about San Antonio and how boring they are. The Spurs are actually entertaining. Detroit is the most boring team in basketball with a bunch of guys who look miserable all the time, yes I’m looking at you Rasheed. Orlando just isn’t ready for primetime. And Dwight, I need more from you than nine points.

Boston/Cleveland: Celtics, can you please win a road playoff game. That’s why you won’t win a title. We’re seeing the same thing in this series from Boston as we did against Atlanta, so nothing is new there. But Cleveland, enjoy LeBron while you can because he is as good as gone in two years. This “pass it to Will” offense needs to stop Mike Brown, who is one of the worst coaches in the NBA. How can you be a former assistant in San Antonio yet be one of the worst game managers I’ve ever seen? I get pissed watching Cleveland play because Mike Brown is the worst coach for a good team that I’ve ever seen. You saw what happened in Game 3 when they ran some motion and posted up James. They scored some more and won. It’s that frickin simple. Show me something Cleveland.

San Antonio/New Orleans: The shocking thing this series has done is made San Antonio look slow. I’ve been on the Chris Paul experience for the past few years because my frickin Hawks passed him on the draft, but that’s another sad story for another day. So Chris’ emergence hasn’t shocked me. The Spurs needed an amazing effort to win Game 3. I don’t think that they have three more efforts in them to win this series. I still like New Orleans in seven. Also, the Hornets are ready to win a title. They have all of the elements. Good defense, shot makers, excellent bench, they are ready.

Utah/Lakers: The series is now tied at 2-2. I still think the Lakers are the best team playing right now, but Utah is acting pesky. Deron Williams is the truth and I like the energy that Utah is bringing. Kobe better not be hurt because if he is, problems. I think the Lakers still win this series, but its going to be more difficult then expected.

Non-playoff thoughts:

My two favorite teams made news since my last basketball post. The Hawks thankfully ended the Billy Knight era and the Knicks have a new coach.

Concerning Atlanta, what took you so long? I know they made the playoffs, but they still stunk and most seasons they wouldn’t have done that. He was a terrible drafter, made bad free-agent signings and was generally not a nice guy with the fans and the media. Other then that, good person. Take Mike Woodson and his two-play offence and no defense scheme with you. I’m glad that I’m a transplanted Hawks fan and not a lifelong fan. I would be depressed if I was.

And the Knicks. They can hire Phil Jackson, Pat Riley, John Wooden, Pat Summitt, Rick Byrd and every other living legend head coach and still finish below .500. D’Antoni is definitely ten times better then Isaiah, and honestly a crappy AAU coach can be better than Isaiah, but he has a lot of work ahead of him, especially considering that his style of play is the complete opposite of what the Knicks roster has. I have extremely low expectations for the Knicks right now even if they’ve hired a very good coach.

Until next time…

My Graduation

I’m in the office right now, listenting to some Genesis, Mars Volta, preparing senior day material for our baseball team and our graduation at Belmont is going on right now.

I’m going to sneak a peek at the festivities, but it reminded me of my graduation day from Vanderbilt in 2003.

I remember that day very well. First, the graduation was indoors at Memorial Gym because of bad weather. The graduation had always been outside and our class was only the first or second ever to have it indoors, which bummed me out because every year you would see the chairs set up on Alumni Lawn for the outdoor ceremony and you imagine yourself being there. But I was getting my degree, so I wasn’t too concerned about it.

There were several cool things about the ceremony though. First, we don’t have guest speakers at Vanderbilt, which I thought was lame at first, but I dig that our chancellor speaks to us, which at my time was E. Gordon Gee. Second, each of the graduate schools like law, medicine and business joined us undergraduates for the first part of the ceremony before heading to their own ceremony. Seeing all of the colors and the older students getting their degree and being just as excited as we were was great. Next, they called each of us to get our degree on the stage so you got your two seconds of glory. I remember mine and it was great.

What wasn’t great was the air-conditioning breaking down during the ceremony. Seeing and feeling thousands of people sweating in suits and graduation gowns wasn’t cool.

I was going to wear a suit with my cap and gown, but I said screw that, that’s now how I rolled then and not how I roll now. I had on some khakis pants and a black Vanderbilt alumni t-shirt that I wore for the first time that day. Still have the shirt.

The best part of the day was seeing how happy my mother was. I had a lot of family members come to the graduation, aunts, uncles, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, it was amazing the support I received from them. However, it was all about my mother.

She sacrificed so much for me and without her, I wouldn’t have been there. So I remember getting the degree on stage, sitting down at my seat and marveling that I graduated from Vanderbilt. My good friend Jay aka Jerome was sitting next to me because our names lined up alphabetically and we were just talking about how amazing it was. We also talked Kentucky basketball during most of the ceremony because we’re guys. Still good friends with Jay to this day.

So the ceremony ends, I greet the family and I tell my mother that the degree was for her. Of course she cries, because in the Pourtout/Gray family, it’s not a ceremony/wedding/good moment in life without tears. I didn’t cry at that moment, but I shed happy tears later. Anyway, the whole family is excited and she is so happy for me, but I was happier for her. She was able to see her son graduate from college and I was happy to give her that happiness.

My brother Denny made a point that day that I still remember. We’re driving down West End and he tells me that he’s happy that I was able to make Ma happy. He mentioned that everyone was getting older in the family and I was always the smart, studious one. He was proud that I was able to stay focused on school. His words meant more than some degree.

I graduate from Belmont next spring and I will attend the ceremony and will keep this degree because while the Vandy degree was on my mother, this one is all me. I’ll keep this one in my possession. However, it’s like the time someone was asking Michael Irvin, the three-time Super Bowl champion with the Dallas Cowboys, about his championships. He looked into the camera and said that he was proud of all three championships but there’s nothing like the first one. That’s how I feel about my Vanderbilt degree.

I honestly gave my mother the Vandy degree that day and have held it only one or two other times in my life. Some people like to hang the degree in their office or frame it or something. When I told my mother that the degree was for her, I meant it. She can do whatever she wants with it but hopefully she looks at it once in a while and is proud of me. That’s my true graduation.

So Now I Need a Roommate?

So my roommate is moving out.

These are usually a time of mixed emotions. If you don’t get along with your roommate, it can be a time of celebration. If you do get along with your roommate, it can be a time of concern to find someone that you can get along with.

For me, it’s a mixed bag. If you really want to know the details, just ask me and I’ll tell you.

Anyway, this is the second time that I’ve had a roommate in a place post-college. The first time was last year when I lived in Charleston. I met the guy who was renting out the condo, we vibed and it was the best living arrangement I’ve ever had. We each understood what was expected, we had satellite cable (HBO and Fox Soccer Channel!) and it was very relaxed. When I took the job/went back to school here in Nashville, I was actually sad that I had to leave that place. However, I wasn’t happy with my job and life situation there so I had to weigh the pros and cons and decided to move.

For this current place, I literally choose the place and roommate without seeing or meeting either. I saw the place, moved in and signed my lease all in one day. My roommate moved in a few days later and that was it. But for the price and how close it was to campus, I was fine with it. Now it hasn’t been as good as my place in Charleston, but it’s been solid overall.

But now, my roommate is moving out so it’s back to the drawing board. I’m not going anywhere; this situation is just too good for me.

I listed my info on craigslist and my goodness, the response has been overwhelming. I posted the ad Saturday morning and have gotten about 10 responses by Sunday morning.

The big question I have now is do I want a female roommate?

When I listed the ad, I put that I was a male roommate but I didn’t specifically state that I was looking for a male roommate. As a result, I’ve gotten inquiries from women about moving into the place.

Part of me is cool with it because as long as she’s clean and quiet and pays the bills, I have no problem with it. However, it’s always an awkward situation living with someone of the opposite sex in your domain.

There’s the uncomfortable potential nudity stuff, there’s the potential for each of you to be attracted to each other which could lead to some bad stuff and many other things.

I would prefer not to date a co-worker, let alone someone I’m rooming with.

I’m definitely not saying that we will move in together, she will be wowed by my charm and now we have a relationship, it’s just something to consider.

The good part is that I’m hardly home with work so she will be able to have the place to herself a lot of the time.

Also, if my place had a normal setup, I would be cool with it, but if any of you have seen my place, the two rooms are just separated by a door, it’s hard to explain. Just believe that it causes for less privacy then most places.

So, I’m seeing two potential roommates today, who are both guys. However, if they don’t work out, then I may have to look towards the ladies.

What type of music would Jesus listen to

I don’t know how this one came up. Actually I do.

One of the songs on our playlist for our home baseball games is the Dobbie Brothers’ classic Jesus Is Alright. I was talking with one our many Britneys and I believe Jason and I told them that Jesus would be a fan of the song but wouldn’t appreciate his name being dropped in it so much. That’s how we talked about what type of music Jesus would be a fan of.

I look at Jesus as a mellow fellow who would appreciate music from jam bands such as Phish, the Allman Brothers, the Drive-By Truckers, Widespread Panic, the Disco Biscuits and others from that genre. That’s the type of music where the lyrics are reflective, the music is free-flowing and there are times where the band members just feed off each other and create the music right there. I think Jesus would like that.

I also see Jesus as a jazz fan, it just would fit his style.

The elephant in the room is would Jesus like Christian music? I say yes and no. I think he would be appreciative that musicians have decided to take his Word and express it in a way that others can comprehend it and appreciate it. He would like the mostly positive messages that are voiced. However, I don’t think he would only listen to Christian music. He preached tolerance and acceptance of all people and I think that would extend to his music selection as well. He would throw on the occasional gospel song but he wouldn’t limit himself to it.

Would he like music with a lot of cursing and profanity in it? Probably not, but he would respect the way that people have decided the way to express themselves. He wouldn’t like an artist who just cursed for the heck of it and did it to make some money. If the person was using the language in a positive way, if that makes sense, he would be ok with it.

Would he like loud music or soft music? Probably both.

Would he like to hear songs where his named is dropped like in the Dobbie Brothers song? Here’s how I see that going down. Let’s say that Jesus and his boys are attending a music festival and the Dobbie Brothers are on the stage. They say “hey fans, we have a song about our favorite Brother of all, this is for you Jesus. Let’s show some love for him.” The crowd would all look at him and applaud, because it’s the Jesus. They would play the song and Jesus would give the nod of approval, bob his head to the song because he’s a fan of the band, but he would be uncomfortable with all the attention.

And the Disciples were just a bunch of dudes who hung out together. You know that they would rag him all the way through Israel talking smack like “Hey Jesus, I wonder who your favorite band is!”

Also, you have to remember the man’s background. He comes from a conservative, stay at home mother and a carpenter father, working class. He would definitely be down with some metal as well, old school Black Sabbath stuff. I think he would also enjoy the dark music as well.

I also see Jesus as a soccer player and someone who plays bongos. I’ll explain this in the future.

NBA Conference Semifinals Predictions

Assuming Boston can somehow get past Atlanta (which is not a complete guarantee) the second round field for the NBA playoffs is set. It’s time for a new set of predictions. But first, let’s review the first round.

1) How the heck is Atlanta still in this series against Boston? As a Hawks fan, I’m happy that Atlanta is showing some heart and playing with effort. If they played like that all the time, they would be a four or five seed. It’s frustrating to see this but they made it to a game seven and after seeing the first two games of the series, I thought that wouldn’t happen.

2) Boston, you have problems. Why have you looked so disorganized when the games are in Atlanta? Maybe this team peaked when they beat San Antonio, Houston and Dallas on the road earlier in the year. I think they will get past Atlanta tomorrow, but this isn’t a good sign.

3) The Nuggets proved to me once again why they’re the most disappointing team in the NBA. They didn’t bother to try to play defense against the Lakers in most of the series, check that, all of the series. And they had the nerve to talk smack to Kobe, bad move. J.R. Smith, Kobe drops 49 on you in Game 2 and you still talk crap to him, classic. George Karl is staying; Iverson has one more year on his deal so he’s still around, Carmelo? Not so sure, you heard it here first.

4) Lakers are still the favorite in the clubhouse right now.

5) Everyone needs to fall back on criticizing Tracy McGrady. The guy is doing all he can, he has just run into some bad luck in the postseason. You know who else hasn’t won a playoff series? Grant Hill, Carmelo Anthony and some others. Should he have won a playoff series by now? Probably, but his team has been the underdog in many of the series, including this one, even though the Rockets had home court.

6) Utah was efficiently good and that’s enough for me.

7) If the Suns won Game 1 of their series against the Suns, that series goes seven like I predicted. BTW, let Phoenix fire D’Antoni. I know a dozen teams that would find some him some room to be their coach. I would give more details about the fall of the Suns, but I actually think that Bill Simmons does a good job of it. Here’s the link: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080501

8) Duncan is a man, best power forward ever and in the top 10-15 all-time, hate if you want.

9) New Orleans showed me something taking care of Dallas like they did.

10) Josh Howard, most of life is about timing and you my friend and favorite of the Wake Nation, didn’t understand that.

11) DeShawn Stevenson, thanks for making that Cleveland/Washington series interesting. I picked the Wizards, but I underestimated how hurt Gil was and how much they lacked flow.

12) Orlando/Toronto series went like I expected. Toronto, you need to solve your point guard situation like now and Bargnani, wow, you were the first overall pick? You showed solid flashes last season, what happened?

13) Besides being a transplanted Hawks fan, I grew up in NYC, so I rep for the Knicks hard. So as hard as it is for me to say, congrats to Philly for their effort. If Philly moved up one spot and faced Orlando in the first round, I would have made that an upset pick but they got the wrong draw in Detroit. Speaking of which…

14) Stop frickin sleepwalking through playoff series. Its one thing to get lazy in the regular season like San Antonio does. The best team ever to do this was the early Shaq/Kobe teams when they won their three titles accept for the first one. You aren’t that good and it will catch up with you.

Enough about the first round, let’s get to the second round:

New Orleans vs. San Antonio: Potential for a classic. You have the legends of Wake Forest (two Wake references in one post. I didn’t even mention Darius Songaila) going at it. Let’s break up the matchups. Point guard: As out of this world as Paul is playing right now, Parker is playing just as well. Maybe it’s because he’s on the Spurs or because he’s been overexposed with his hot, but overrated and annoying wife, but Tony doesn’t get enough love when top point guards are discussed. So this matchup is a push. Rest of the backcourt: I would actually give the slight advantage to New Orleans. Frontcourts: You know my opinions of Duncan, but the rest of the Spurs are good as well. New Orleans counters with West, Chandler and a cast of others. That’s a wash as well, slightly going to the Spurs because of Mani, even though he’s a guard/forward. Coaching: Pop is a hall of famer, but Scott is good as well. I guess you have to go with Pop for respect purposes, but that’s even as well. Home court won’t come into play because the Spurs don’t care and I don’t think New Orleans will either.

I’m going with Hornets in seven, but if San Antonio wins the series, it wouldn’t surprise me at all

Los Angeles vs. Utah: I love watching Utah play, their efficiently is a joy to watch. The main question you have is whose going to guard Kobe? It would usually be AK-47, but his play has dipped. He used to be a defensive force, but that hasn’t been going on lately. But Marcel, who guards Boozer and Williams? That’s a fair point, but Los Angeles is playing so well together right now.

Lakers in six

Detroit vs. Orlando: The Pistons disgust me as I stated earlier. Orlando is playing well right now and when you get Lewis and Hedo on the perimeter that causes problems for Detroit. I like Detroit’s bench more than the Magic, so that’s a check on that side. Who guards Howard? They’ll go with a combination of guys. Howard’s free-throw shooting scares me also. But there comes a time when Detroit will waste all of our times and not make a conference finals. This is the year.

Orlando in six in a mini-upset

Atlanta/Boston vs. Cleveland: I’m assuming that Boston wins its series, but if Atlanta wins, I can see them beating Cleveland as well. LeBron is doing his thing, but I think that Boston will be energized getting past Atlanta and will actually have an easier time against Cleveland. It’s all about matchups and the athleticism of Atlanta is giving Boston trouble, but Cleveland isn’t athletic besides James. Boston will employ a team defense on LeBron and limit him as much as they can. I don’t like Cleveland’s team at all.

Boston in six or Atlanta in seven.

I’ll update the blog more during these rounds, I promise.

Am I Still Tired of Being Lonely?

Well, I woke up this morning and was alive, and if anything else, that makes it a good day.

The response to my last post has been interesting to say the least. I don’t regret writing it at all, in fact, I’m happy that I did because that’s how I was feeling at that time and I always keep it honest in this blog. I walked to work with a smile on my face and I never do that.

Last night, I was emotionally going to a place that I don’t like going because it is painful and sad. However, it does exist so I have to accept it. I can either ignore my feelings and just live my live pushing those emotions away and lie to myself or confront them and hopefully find strength through it all.

Does the post possibly ruin any potential prospects in my dating life? I mean, if I read that post from somebody else, I would be concerned and want no part of that person. However, my response to that is it’s not like I’m tearing up the Nashville dating scene right now anyway. It is what it is but I have to do me (that sounds like a terrible rap lyric).

I’ve always had something to focus on in my life to distract me away from this stuff. I’ve always focused on my jobs, schooling, family, spirituality, my health and other things, and those are good things to focus on. I’m proud to believe that I’m a good employee, a good student and a good member of my family. I can always improve on being a better Christian. However, when I’m not working, in class, in the gym or with friends and family, that’s when I get feelings like I did late last night.

It’s the alone time in our lives that make us honest with ourselves. I don’t know how people in solitude can do it. Actually I can. I’ve always been a loner until recently.

The fact that I have people over to my house for legendary and epic pancakes and go to Tabouli’s on Wednesday nights are so out of character for me. Going out to Tin Roof and other bars, attending music concerts, I wouldn’t have done that a year ago, let alone five or ten years. Even my mother is surprised that I do this stuff and she knows me well. I’ve made an intentional effort to be more outgoing here at Belmont, but when you have rejections come across again and again, it reminds you why you were a loner all of these past few years. You remember why you always stayed in for the fear of being hurt repeatedly.

So the post was just a culmination of all of this stuff.

Do I see myself going through the rest of my life alone and not doing a lot of the stuff that I mentioned in the last post? Yes, I do. But I can also see myself meeting that cliché special someone and being happy. I don’t know what to expect and that’s exciting in its own way.

In the end, I’ll keep it moving as they say and try not to stress over it. If I don’t ever get that date or have that girlfriend, it’s ok. I have my health and everything else is extra I guess.

I’ll focus my attention on how hard I’ll spank my kids, continue to grow my mistrust in dolphins and penguins, wonder how I could pick Phoenix over San Antonio, wash some more clothes, wonder why I picked Toronto to be the wild-card team out of the AL and the Reds to finish second in the NL Central, what type of music Jesus would listen to and other topics of interest for all.

Until then, I’ll just keep living the dream.